Date #2

So, my second date was definitely not as bad as my first. The cool thing is that he's a graduate student in physics. The uncool thing is that we had our date the day before the fourth of July which incited a very unsexy conversation about the velocity of fireworks. This conversation did not end. He was absolutely Forrest Gumpian about fireworks. My eyes basically glazed over. He was nice enough though. We took a nature walk and had a picnic, which was totally romantic. But a physicist isn't the Lothario that one would expect. He was really quite boring. If he asks me out, I'll probably go out with him again... Give him another chance.

In other news, I want to talk about my weight. Since I started this process, I am down 45.2 pounds exactly. I weigh 148.8 pounds now. My BMI is 30.1- which, according to the bmi charts, makes me just slightly obese. Now, here's my thing. The first 40 pounds really fell off and I did very little other than being conscious and mindful and listening to the download. There was no dieting, no hardcore exercising, no deprivation, none of that. But since then, I've really stabilized. I still have a good 25-30 pounds that I need to lose just to be at a healthy weight, but my weight seems to have settled. I'm not sure where to go from here. I've completely stopped binge eating thanks to the hypnosis... but I'm wondering what else I must do. I'm contemplating a diet of sorts, but I know that diets don't work and cause me to binge. I have to reconsider. I'll talk about it once I think about it some more. For now, I'm just going to continue as I am.

Date number One. Oh my.

I'm actually on summer break. I can't believe it. My break only lasts a few weeks. But that's cool. I don't mind.

I went on my first official internet date! But. I wouldn't exactly call it a success. The boy, first off was the same height as me. Now. it's not really in my nature to be a judgmental or critical. But. here's the thing. I am barely five feet tall. And I would love to have my boyfriend be at least 5'2". I hope that this doesn't make me come off as a bitch. He wrote on his profile that he was 5'4". But... not so much.

But honestly, when I saw him, i thought he was cute. And I thought that I needed to get over it. So I went out with him. We went to a vegetarian restaurant, where he espoused the need completely disconnect oneself with anything that might minutely harm the enviornment. Which.. basically included eating at all. He drank water and ate nothing but a bowl of fruit. FOR DINNER!!!!!!!!
And he grilled the waitress about how the fruit was harvested, how they acquired the fruit, whether or not it was organic or local. Oh. My. God. It was mind boggling.
Now, here's the thing.

he actually criticized my weight.

He said that I didn't look this big in my picture. But he was generally kind.

Sparks? No. Will I go out with him again? Never.

But as a first experience. Well. At least I've started.

A little extra padding

I wasn't sure how to describe myself physically on my online profile.  there's not a whole lot of good choices. You can't say "who cares?" or "fat and proud." It's all quite annoying. I've been agonizing over my profile. I don't know quite how to put it all out there. I've never really online dated before. I'm a pretty private person. I once went out on a date with a guy that I met on craigslist, but it was because I bought his futon. Then he helped me christen it. 

Trying to Come Back

It's summer. It's beautiful. It's time for me to forget winter and go forward. 

Tonight, I put my profile on match.com. I'm nervous but excited. 

I haven't gone out in months. I'm all alone on a Saturday night and I'm over it.

On the upside, my weight has changed dramatically. Since last August, when I began this journey, 

I've lost 44 pounds. That puts me at 154 pounds, which puts my BMI at just a bit over 30! Which means that if I lose just a few more pounds, I will no longer be put in the "clinically obese" category. Which will be really fucking nice when I go to the doctor. Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!!!!

And I love that I've been totally healthy the whole time. I've slipped up with some binges, and some nights of too much alcohol and not enough food. But for the most part, I've been really attuned to the needs of my body. And I feel better physically than I ever have. 

My summer goals are: 

1.)Run 10 miles. 

2.)Go out on 10 dates

3.)Save up, fit into, and buy a pair of designer jeans! Don't know if that will happen... but I would love to fit into a pair of True Religion or Seven Jeans. They are so cool. Maybe by August?  

4.)Move into a new place. 

5.)Get a job.

Pasta Slim-- yum!

I found the greatest new product. PASTA SLIM! It's not really pasta, it's like tofu all noodled up and only 50 calories and 10 carbs and 6 grams of fiber for a giant bowl of it. It's pretty awesome. Totally recommend. I got it at a food co-op, but the where to buy link is here. 

Allison Sweeney's a hottie

I was watching The Biggest Loser earlier this evening. Now, here's the thing, I tuned into TBL to check out Jillian a little bit more, but I've become obsessed with Allison Sweeney. First off, she's totally pretty, but she's not a skinny minnie. She's definitely curvy and voluptuous. Really amazing. I am so happy that they don't have a Lindsay Lohan or even a Jessica Alba type. I mean obviously Lilo is totally ANA, but Jessica is what everyone wants to be and I still think she's totally unattainable. I think that Allison is just great. She's curvy, she actually has body fat and she's a real woman. I love that!!!!  

Jillian Anderson is out of her fucking mind. She is wretched. I think she's mean and fatophobic. I really do. I don't like her one bit. I'll elaborate more tomorrow. I think I might try her dumb DVD again. 

30 Day Shred

Ugh, so I've joined the masses and started doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. Thing is, I don't think it's super good for my health. I started doing level 1 last week. I only had 15 pound weights, which were not good. Too heavy. So then I started using containers of soy milk (32 oz. so 2 pounds each). Better, but still, the weirdest thing happened... from all the up and down, I wound up getting vertigo. I was totally dizzy, but it lasted for days. Finally, I started again today and when I was doing the jumping rope, i literally heard my knees popping and snapping. Very annoying. So I stopped. I wanted to get through 30 days, but I think it might be a hazardous workout, at least for my body it is. I don't want to ruin my knees doing a workout like this. 

What I've Been Eating Lately

Lots of beer. But not in a depressed, mopey, alcoholic way, more in a drowning my sorrows with my girls. Things have been pretty bad between me and my roommate-- ever since her brother dumped me. He told her that I was obsessive and clingy. 

I just might be. 

When it comes to men, I fall in love really quickly. And when they pay attention to me, I eat it, no I fucking devour it. When I fall in love, I don't eat. I don't need to eat. I just obsess on the other. On what he's doing, on what he's thinking, on what he needs. My therapist said that I reject myself first. And that's how I lose myself. before I give anyone else the opportunity to know the real me. She said that I do that with food too. That I leave myself and binge on food and then no one is minding the store.  That's why I lose so much weight when I'm dating someone. I replace food with sex.  I'm trying to figure out how to me more with me. 

Swimmin...

Swimming fucking rules. I've been swimming like 3 times a week and it's amazing. I've been doing 50 laps wearing these hand paddles and these flippers. I'm doing it half for fitness but also because it's the one thing that's been getting my mind off of Doctor Dickhead. That's my ex's name btw. But we can just call him DD for short. I can't help but think that he ended things with me because of the things I'll never be. I'll never be tall, skinny, rich, sophisticated, I'll never be a doctor's wife type. I'll never be the girl who gets manicures and pedicures every week. I'll never have a Gucci or Prada or Coach or Mark Jacobs purse (even though sometimes I secretly want one), I'll never eat like a bird or talk in a nasal long island accent, I'll never be who I'm not. I wouldn't want to though. But still. I can't help it. I miss him. Terribly.

2009- It's been a long year already

So, since the year started, I've gotten a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend, gotten two root canals, started training for a half marathon, lost 10 pounds, bought a pair of designer jeans, got in touch with m estranged father, had to move out of my house because of my roommate, her brother and what happened between us. And oh yeah, i got pregnant and had an abortion. That really sucked. Will try to start blogging again. Been a little... distracted.  

I'm not a crackhead, but a machead.

It's been a whirlwind since New Years, I've been traveling back and forth to New York City to see my boyfriend. Oh my god. I can't believe I have a boyfriend. Jonathan is my roommate's brother. He is a med student at Columbia in New York. I've been ecstatic for weeks. We've been going back and forth to see each other, but I've been trepidatious about saying anything because, well, usually I meet a boy and I kiss him or even do the nasty with him and then I totally fall in love with him and obsess over him while he completely rejects me. But so I was really into him and I was trying not to obsess, but the funny thing is, he didn't reject me. He came back to see me, then he bought me a plane ticket to come see him! I've been to New York twice in the past 7 weeks! I'm just completely excited. I've always wanted to move to New York, but he wants to do his residency in Minneapolis, so... things might be different than I've always thought. I don't know. Too early to think about this stuff now. Food is good. I've not gotten on the scale, but I'm a size 14!!!!!!!!!!!! I've never been this small. And I think I'm still going down. Exercise is still happening and I'm mostly eating low carb, whole foods. I'm pretty gloriously happy.

Do they just think that us women of size hate ourselves that much?

I am livid. LIVID!!!!!!! I entered a sweepstakes to win a $1000 giftcard from  a plus sized clothing store called Silhouettes. Then I went to the store and found that the models were TINY. Why, why, why, why, why would they use tiny models to sell clothes to women of size? That's just insulting. And I don't mean tiny as in size 12 or size 14, but I mean tiny like size 2 or 4. I'm totally outraged and upset. Do they think that we don't like to look at ourselves? That we think that there is something wrong with us? So we need a mirror that's someone half our size? It's not cool. It makes me so angry. 

The need or the idea that to be thin is to be happy or perfect is like a virus that's infected  this whole country. People need to be cured of this virus. Myself included. I'm not saying that I want to be unhealthy, I want to be healthy but not just physically, mentally too, so if I'm fit and healthy and still a size 18, I can still love myself and look at myself lovingly in the mirror, not look at what I might be or what I should be. I'm totally mad. 

The Most Delicious Soup

I invented soup tonight. I call it soup. I dunno. I didn't come up with a name for it.
First I steamed the fuck out of a head of cauliflower and a big old broccoli stalk, then, when it was all falling apart, I put them in the blender with 2 cups of unsweetened almond milk. I then put in a bunch of raw garlic cloves and some salt. It was way, way too garlicy, so I added another two cups of water and cooked it to relax the garlic and added all the broccoli and the califlower pieces and cooked it and it is yummy. All full of vitamins and protein from the almond milk and fiber. Yay! Soup soup soup. I love soup. I'm trying to learn how to cook, but I can't follow a recipe, never have been able to, so I'm just experimenting. Kind of fun.

25 Random Facts About Me

For fun. 

1.)My mom almost named me Jane Lila instead of Lila Jane, but decided at the last minute to switch it, to my Dad's surprise- literally she gave the name to the doctor for my birth certificate!

2.)I started smoking cigarettes when I was 12 and quit when I was 22. I hate cigarettes. but i miss them.

3.)My kittens aren't really mine, they're my roommates, but they like me better. 

4.)My favorite food is guacamole, but I hate plain avocados. 

5.)My favorite word is conjunctivitis. 

6.)I did lots of drugs to try and lose weight. It didn't work. 

7.)Red Bull & Vodka is my drink of choice.

8.)I only need two to be drunk.

9.)I was born without toenails on my left foot. 

10.)I wish I could make flossing a habit. 

11.)I'm not sure that I've ever been in love, if it's love that I've been in, I've been in love like 14 times. 

12.)I'm afraid of serial killers. 

13.)My computer's name is Ermintrude.

14.)My vagina doesn't have a name.

15.)I am obsessed with Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn. Maybe that's why I've always been obsessed with being skinny.

16.)I've never been skinny.

17.)I want to be famous. 

18.)I don't know what I want to be famous for. 

19.)I want to have a baby, but I'm afraid that no one will ever marry me. 

20.)I don't put pictures of myself on the internet or facebook or anything because I am insecure about the way I look. 

21.)I paint the toenails on my right foot and my toes on my left. 

22.)I am hoping to move to New York City after I graduate. 

23.)I get obsessed with men who kiss me. I try not to, it's damaging. It hurts really badly. But I can't help it. 

24.)I still sleep with the same teddy bear that I have slept with since I was a baby.

25.)I never understood cheesecake. I love cheese, and cake too, but the two don't mix for me. I guess that I'm weird because most everyone goes crazy for the cheesecake factory. 

Soup, Orange Juice, Etc...

Oh my god. I'm sick again. I can't believe it. This semester I'm student teaching and those kids. Oh those kids, they are a sess pool of germs. Again, I kind of like being sick. It gives me time to do nothing. I don't study, I don't work, I don't go to class, I just sit in bed, watch Oprah, drink juice and be gleefully pathetic. The kittens are all cuddled up next to me. 

Weight wise, my loss has slowed down quite a bit. I haven't gone up, though I haven't gone down. My weight is stabilizing, though stabilizing at 40 pounds overweight. I started off doing the think and shrink program at 197 pounds and now I'm down to 160 pounds. That's about 37 pounds without trying.  I am a hair under 5 feet tall, so 120 pounds is not a low weight for me to aim for. In fact, it's fine. I think that the last 40 pounds might need a little extra muscle. A little push. Maybe some good old fashioned calorie counting. Though I'm nervous that I'll get into eating disorder mentality if I do that. Maybe just continue the mindful eating but work out a little more. I'm not sure how to go about it. One thing I know is that in the past, dieting hasn't worked. I lost almost 40 pounds without dieting. Maybe I just need to be more patient now. 

Hey George Bush, C-Ya, Wouldn't wanna B-Ya!

I must admit. I am a staunch liberal. I was a kid during the Clinton years. So the idea of having a democratic president seems really novel to me. I'm lucky. I'm not one of those liberals who has to fight with their parents. My folks went to Woodstock and brought us up on a steady diet of blue mule and first amendment sandwiches. (No wonder I was so overweight). Anyway, this Barack Obama thing has really made me happy. On a very simple note, I student teach in an inner city school where most of my students are very poor, very underprivileged, African American students. Having Barack Obama as the President (it now deserves a capital letter) gives new hope, new direction for people who previously believed that if they weren't born into privilege, they would be doomed to end up in the same position as their parents (don't we all feel like that). But now there's hope for those kids. He's no George Bush, he's no Kennedy. He didn't land this position because he's "American Royalty." And that's a beautiful thing. It reaffirms my faith in this country (which I never really had). Anyway, I think that it's a new start for out country and also for minority groups who were previously pigeonholed. I think that the Roger Bannister paradox will kick in here. I feel hopeful.
Besides the fact that he's smart and charismatic and compassionate and helpful to the country, I also think he's pretty dreamy.

kiss kiss

I love 2009. I'll admit it. Even though it's only 6 days into the new year, I'm still basking in the afterglow of a week long love fest. Not a summer fling but a holiday fling. On Christmas eve, after a carefully high proteined, low carbed meal with my mom and sister's family, I came back to my house to a tawdry night full of egg nog and my roommate's visiting brother. Jonathan. He and my roommate and her man had been sitting in front of the fireplace drinking eggnog and playing guitar hero and getting extremely silly. One thing led to another and, well... I had a Christmas miracle (I got laid!) and a New Years eve kiss. It was so nice. We basically spent the whole time he was here together. Snuggled up, kissing, building snowmen, shopping, throwing snowballs. I feel like I'm in love. He's in medica school in New York. I hope I see him again... sigh... anyway. I guess I'll see how it goes.

A Different Kind of Darwininan Paradox

I was reading Jeanette Fulda's post today about how she wishes she could get a secondary stomach that would take care of all the junk food that she wishes she didn't eat. Anyway, I was thinking about food obsession and how pathologized it is. Pasta Queen goes on to say, "I realized I have a serious problem with food."

We were born to live and then to procreate and then to die. Okay. That's weird. But then, if you think about it like that, it doesn't seem so weird that we're totally obsessed with food (and sex!) So, like let's say I wasn't born back in 1982, but instead in 3382 B.C. Everyday, I would wake up, walk around all day and look for food. I'd hunt, gather, pillage, kill, rape, etc. etc. All I'd care about was finding food and sex. Some might say I was obsessed, I was a hedonist, a pathological narcissist, or really, really self-centered. But back in the day yo, it was all about being obsessed with food.

But now, food is plentiful. And we as humans who are predisposed to be obsessed with food as to stay alive and propagate the species, we are the new Darwinian paradox. We are obsessed with food and thus the obesity epidemic. Are those who have lost the gene to be obsessed with food more advanced? You know those people, they never think about food until they need it, thten they eat exactly what their bodies need and stop... they've caught up with the new-fangled American abundance of food. They are the fittest!

Latkes of Fun!

It's nine degrees out. That's almost no degrees. Imagine that. Barely any degrees. Last night I went to a latke party. Imagine, a party that centered around deep fried potatoes. I wish that I'd taken pictures. Erin made piles and piles and piles of latkes and had different latke stations. There was a south western latke station-- these were sweet potato latkes served with black bean dip, salsa and cilantro dip. An chinese latke station with soy sauce/ green onion dip. An Indian latke station where the latkes were curry flavored and there was mango chutney other kinds of chutneys. An mid eastern latke station with humus and tahini and babaganoush. And finally a plain old latke station with sour cream and apple sauce. She also had made Manishevitz Sangria. It was delicious. I was really, really, really nervous about going to this party. Holiday parties are tough, but ones that are all about eating the most fattening, artery clogging food ever invented, well that's damn near impossible. I knew that I needed a plan. So, before I went I listened to the think and shrink recording twice, and then I wrote down my plan. I was allowed to have 2 whole latkes and 2 whole drinks. That's all nothing else. If I thought that I was going to be needing more or wanting more, I would walk outside and do some deep breathing and see myself at my goal weight, see myself feeling healthy and fitting into a bikini next summer. I also made a goal of talking to five new people. I also called my sister ahead of time and let her know my plan so she told me that she'd be available by phone all night if I needed her. She even sent me several texts with encouraging messages, like "you are healthy and strong!" "your deserve a healthy body" "you know how to eat normally!" The party was fine. I stuck to my plan. I wanted to try all the latkes so I cut them in half and wound up trying four different kinds. I forwent the chinese latkes deciding that those weren't as interesting as the others. Anyway, the party went totally well. I didn't need to leave once, having the plan worked well. I made lots of conversation and talked to people who I hadn't ever met before. It was great. The other thing is that it certainly didn't hurt that Erin and Rob and Jessica and Lisa and Steve and Ashely all pulled me aside and told me how great I looked and asked me how much weight I'd lost. It was pretty aweseome. I felt so pretty too. I was wearing a new pair of jeans and this very pretty satiny flowy red blouse. I was shocked but when I went shopping, I was actually down 4 sizes! I couldn't believe it. I think that feeling pretty and getting all those compliments definitely helped. I know that I'm still 50 pounds overweight, but feeling pretty is such an amazing help for my mood. I think that I need to spend more time doing things that make me feel pretty, like tweezing my brows, shaving my legs, giving myself manicures and pedicures and putting on lipstick. Feeling pretty helps me to feel happy, healthy, and worthy. It makes me feel like I'm worthy of love and attention. Before, when I was binge eating, I didn't feel worthy. I hid in big clothes and didn't care for my body and didn't do things like dress pretty or do my nails or anything. Now, I spend more time trying to do those things. It's all connected somehow, binge eating, a sense of worthiness and self care. I think that when I don't feel good about myself, I binge eat, when I binge eat, I feel worse about myself, when I feel worse about myself, I binge eat again. It's a vicious cycle. The only way to deal with it is to actually PULL myself out of it, kicking and screaming. It's hard, but it's possible. If I do lapse and have a binge, I have to remember that my body deserves love. This has been very helpful with the hypnosis downloads. I have to remember that I am worth taking care of, even if I mess up sometimes -- hey, I'm human! I can feel pretty and be happy and take care of myself even if I am 50 pounds overweight. None of that matters, it's what I feel on the inside. Of course I've heard this before, but I'm somehow actually beginning to feel it now.

Splash!

I woke up today with a splitting headache, but I'm actually getting out of bed today! My taste for coffee has come back (I've had nothing but tea for the past 5 days), I got out of bed and made myself a nice steamy cup of coffee, downed some ibuprofen with it and now I'm sitting at the kitchen table, petting the kitties on my second cup feeling calm and peaceful. I think I have what my mother calls a "snow headache." She has always said that she's psychic and knows when it's going to snow because she gets a headache. Personally, I think it has something to do with the barometric pressure. Oh Mom! Or should I say "madame Mom." I once went to a psychic, a gypsie lady back when I was in college. It was because I was in love with a boy named Greg. We went out a couple of times and even fooled around once. But then he totally dumped me and it made me sad. Very sad. And so I went to a store front psychic, a gypsie by the name of Madame Maria. She wore a long velvet purple skirt. So of course I thought she was authentic. She told me that she could see I was having money problems (I was 19, so of course I was), she also told me that there was an important older woman in my life who lived far away (duh, I was a college student) and then she told me that she could tell that I was in pain because of a man. Then she said that this man loved me very much, but there was an evil spirit who was blocking his love from me, and that I needed a magic crystal to remove the spirit, and if I slept with this crystal by my head for 45 days, he'd come back to me and we'd get married and have children and be rich. Well, that sounded great to me. So I wrote her a check for 75.00 and got my magic crystal. Anyway. My check bounced. And so I tried to go back to Maria to make good on my money, but her store front was gone. I slept with the crystal on my head for 45 days. But I then realized that Greg was romantically involved with Steve, this guy in chem lab. Yeah, me and Greg weren't getting married. I did some research on gypsie fortune tellers and learned about cold questions, where they throw out these random facts that could apply to anyone, "Oh, I see that you want to move," "Oh, I see that you have money issues," "Oh, I see that you're having problems with love," etc. etc. etc. I can't believe I was so naive, but of course I was young and if people weren't naive, those fortune tellers just wouldn't exist at all.
Anyway, I pulled on a pair of jeans this morning and my goodness, they just about fell off of me. 5 straight days of soup and robitussin has stripped some pounds away. I have been trying not to weigh myself super often, but I was so curious, so I hopped on the scale. 7 pounds down since my last weigh in. I'm sure that 5 of those are sick pounds and will come back, but this is now a 32 pound loss since I started in August.
I'm nervous about those pounds coming back, but I think that as long as I continue to listen to the think & shrink download, I'll keep up the good habits. From what I've heard about hypnosis is that it does take a good amount of consistency to maintain the change, so... I'll keep going. At this rate I should be at my goal weight by the summer. I can't imagine what it would be like to wear a tank top or shorts or, dare I think, a bikini? whoah.

Sick, but trudging along

I've been in bed for the past two days, chugging Robitussin and chicken soup and gatorade. Sometimes I like being sick. I'm not sure why. I think it's because I give myself permission to really take care of myself. I don't push myself to exercise, don't push myself to work, to read anything intellectual, to do anything really. I've just been in bed watching tv (I love the Price is Right btw), surfing the web and petting the kittens. I believe that the Universe has a way of showing me what I need to see when I need to see it. I've been feeling so think that caring for myself is what has been missing in my life. I do things like go to school, go to work, work out, and eat right, but I don't do a whole lot of nurturing myself. Taking long hot baths with vanilla oil in them, doing my toenails, drinking tea leisurely while reading the gossip column, rubbing lotion into my feet and stuff like that. Maybe all the reasons that I gained so much weight have to do with the fact that I didn't know how to nurture myself. Or didn't take the time to, so I would steal the time by binge eating. Loving myself is the most best thing that I can do. Because I can't rely on anyone else to do that right now. Anyway, back to hot tea and the Price is Right.

Sick

I woke up yesterday feeling crappy and as the day went on, I got sicker and sicker. And then in the middle of the night, my sinuses filled with fluid and I woke up this morning feeling like crap. Now I have to drag my ass out of bed, trudge through the snow (oh yeah, it's snowing) and spend the day in classes and working. I definitely don't like being sick. Today is a day to spend the day in bed. But I can't. This week is a week to spend the week in bed. But I can't. Tylenol cold seems to work well if I can get a hold of it. Maybe I'll stop off and get some. 

The holiday parties are a startin...

So I went to my first holiday party yesterday. This morning I woke up with what feels like a cold. It was the party of my supervisor, who I also assist. She has this gigantic warm, beautiful house and a beautiful husband and 3 perfect children. This party was catered by these organic gourmets. It was just beautiful. But sometimes... when I go to these perfect parties, with perfect people, and perfect food... I can feel really, really lonely. I bought a new dress for the party in a size that I haven't been in 4 years. I felt so beautiful in it. But then when I got to the party, I was faced with the reality of "You're still fat. You're still more than 50 pounds overweight." And those 50 pounds were weighing me down. I looked at my arms, which looked like big stuffed sausages poking out from the petite spaghetti straps that I was wearing. I saw the belly, that was definitely NOT managed by my spanx (spanx is no miracle). And everyone there was wearing these beautiful dresses and impossibly slim. I felt gross. I came home last night feeling lonelier than ever. The party itself was nice. I didn't overeat and I met nice people. It was inocuous and my supervisor introduced me proudly to all her friends. But inside, I felt a wreck.

Finding Love

I know that loving myself is important. And I work at it. I do. I remind myself that I am a good human being and that I am caring and compassionate and intelligent and do good things in the world. However, I feel sad that I've not found love. I know intellectually that 26 years old isn't old and that I don't need to be married right now or have kids. But it would be so awesome to just have a partner in crime. Someone who totally supports me and can hold my hand when I cry, put me to bed when I've drank too much, make me chicken soup when I'm sick and come with me to parties when I just don't feel like going alone. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I guess I've never really felt like I deserved love. Like I've always thought that love was reserved for pretty skinny girls. When I finally did get my first boyfriend, he treated me like I was so lucky to be with him. And I felt like I was. I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. But I wasn't very lucky. He wasn't kind. He was critical. He kept on telling me that he expected more from me. That he needed me to be better. And I tried so hard. I spent a long time trying to do things to please him, like I cooked for him all the time, I tried to lose weight (starved myself then binged eated), I bought him presents and also drove him everywhere. He mostly insulted me and yelled at me. But I thought I was lucky. I wasn't lucky. Since then, there have been 2 others, one that lasted a month, and the other was about 2 months. But they're not real. Not like a real boyfriend-girlfriend thing. I want that.

It Started With the Bread...

It always starts with the bread for me. I was on my way home from shopping last night and I stopped at this cute little gourmet shop and bought a baguette. I don't know why I bought a baguette. I've never been able to handle bread. I guess I thought that I could. Or at least I wanted to try. I haven't binged since I started doing the weight loss hypnosis. That's over 3 months! And so I thought I could handle a piece of bread. No. It was hot. So hot. I started in the car. And by the time I got home, I had eaten half. And it was cold by that time. So I put it in the over and ate the rest of the baguette with butter. But that wasn't enough for me. I then made a pot of spaghetti and poured sauce on it and ate the whole thing. I ate like probably a half of a box of spaghetti which is I think like 4 servings technically. I was so full and bloated afterward, I just went to sleep. I woke up this morning feeling badly. But I'm trying to let it go. I don't know why I did it. Maybe i needed a boost. Maybe it just happens sometimes. I'm not going to let it kill me. I'm not going to let one day of a slip up undo all of my efforts. I'm going to eat sensibly today, listen to the Think and Shrink download on my ipod, try to bundle up and go for a run at some point, or maybe hit the gym. But I will not let this break me.

I'm grateful, thankful and I'm happy.

I love to blog. But I've been somewhat lackadaisical since my semester has gotten underway. I am going to change that. I'm going to make at least an hour each day to blog. That's my Thanksgiving resolution.
I weighed myself yesterday morning for the first time in weeks. I was so happy I nearly cried. 172 pounds. I have lost a grand total of 25 pounds since I started the Think and Shrink program. My clothes are pretty baggy, I feel strong, and I feel determined. Only 55 more pounds to go! I can't believe it. I feel amazing. Thanksgiving was good. I've been feeling pretty low since it ended with Al. I know that it was only a month long relationship, but even though it was so quick, I really thought that he was the one. Since he dumped me, I've been feeling so lonely, so miserable. Like I'll never find anyone who will ever love me again. My skinny roommate and her skinny boyfriend continue to rub it in my face, walking around the house hand-in-hand, passionate noises from her room constantly, and looking at each other like they're the only people in the world who exist. It makes me feel more lonely. I also found that Al was dating this other friend of my friend Erin. Already! I thought that he was mine. I thought we had something special and I was totally wrong.
But I'm not going to obsess about that right now. Right now I'm going to talk about what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that Thanksgiving was awesome. My mom had about 30 people over! Me and my brother and sister, brother in law and nieces all got there on Wednesday and started cooking at 8am Wednesday morning. It was amazing. My nieces are so cute and being around them make me feel so blessed and happy. They are just amazing to watch. Everything is exciting to them. Children are such a blessing.
I ate lots of turkey and brussels sprouts and also lots of cranberry sauce. Also I ate just a bit of pumpkin pie. But that's kind of it. I didn't over eat and I still ran around with my nieces and got lots of exercise. I'm so grateful for my amazing family. I'm also grateful for my cute, low rent house and for my incredibly sweet roommate and her nice boyfriend (even though they can be annoying), I'm grateful for the cats and for my health. My life is good. I must remember that as much as I can.

Obama, Oh boy!

I feel so proud and blessed to be part of this amazing day in American history. How amazing that we as a country united to create such change. I feel hopeful.

I voted!

There's no holiday that I love more than election day. And this year, there's something just so amazing about being a part of history. An African American man on one ticket, a woman on another. Wow! I'm just so in awe. We're really moving toward change in this country. I am excited.

One Month-- Oh My!

I'd like to say that I haven't written in a month because I got locked in a tower because I fell in love with a prince who my evil step father didn't approve of and so I grew my hair so long that he had to climb up my hair to rescue me from the tower, and by the time he got up there, I was so skinny that my size 6 sevens slid down my hips and we made magical tower love and lived happily ever after.

But that didn't happen. I met a jerky guy and had a 3 1/2 week long relationship and Seven doesn't make jeans in my size and I don't have hips, all I have is mid-terms and residual annoyance from a 7 stupid dates with a stupid guy.

At least I lost 6 pounds this month.


Let me tell you about Al. Al is pretty. Al is a pretty California boy who loves his dog, and surfing and Frasier. (Frasier!?-- wtf) He smokes clove cigarettes and has silver hair. His skin is tan, almost brown, but his eyes are light. Our first date he told me that he could fall for me. Our second date, he told me that he was falling for me. Our third date, he told me that he fell for me. Our fourth date he bought me a watch-- it was a shrek watch from burger king, but still, a watch.
Our fifth date he gave me a key to his apartment. Our sixth date he told me that he was beginning to feel overwhelmed. Our seventh date he told me that his ex-girlfriend wanted to get back together. There was no eighth date. Just an email telling me that he was confused and overwhelmed and he thinks that we shouldn't see each other any more. That was 5 days ago.

I'm confused.

I don't understand men.

I have mid-terms.

I miss Charleston Chews.

Lila Lost 2 Pounds and Lila Met a Boy!

I could just end this post right here, but I'll expound slightly. I stepped on the scale on Saturday morning because I felt light, and I said I'll only step on the scale when I was feeling light. So I did because I did. And I'm down 2 more pounds. That's 17 pounds down since I started the Think & Shrink program. Not bad for two months. Saturday night I went to an Irish bar with my girlfriend Erin and her new flame Wil. Wil brought his friend Albert, a computer programmer from San Diego (who moves to Minnesota from San Diego?) Anyway, Albert the programmer was dreamy dreamy dreamy. He has these big blue eyes that look like the sky and he has silver hair! Silver hair! And he's only 28. It's so sexy. Anyway, we're going out on Wednesday. I'm so excited.