Monday, November 9, 2009

The Victoria's Secret Bombshell Bra is Obscene

Not in a prudish way. In an obscene way. I went to Vicky's S to buy some new bras today. My bras no longer fit me. They are stretched out and hold nothing in and my boobs just kind of flop around in my bra cups. Anyway, the bombshell collection, - the New! Miraculous Pushup Bra boasts that it gives you an increase in 2 cup sizes. I couldn't stop myself from trying it on.

The results-- a little bit too much of a miracle. Not recommended. My boobs were gigantic, round, voluptuous--- it looked so wrong. I walked out of the dressing room and the sales girl almost laughed, but stopped herself. I looked like a 12 year old with a stuffed bra. It might not be the right bra for a 5 foot tall girl.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I truly love Autumn

I don't know why, but it's always been my favorite time of year. There's something so comforting and cozy about it, with the holidays coming, and everything beginning to hibernate. I love the trees changing colors, I love weather changing, I love it all.

Things have been pretty good. In terms of dating, well... I didn't quite make my quota of ten dates this summer. I decided to take a little break from internet dating. After the fourth, I began to feel... I don't know. Lonely I think. It's really hard to sit there with someone who doesn't know me, and I have this belief that I have to impress them, or put my best foot forward. It's too much. I don't want to have to impress anyone, and I don't want to put myself out there for judgement, I just want to be myself. A person I feel good about when I'm not on internet dates. So, for now, I'm on an internet dating hiatus and just concentrating on other things.

As for my other goals for the summer, I never made it to running 10 miles, but I've gotten up to seven! I only did that once, but I've been doing around 3-4 miles 5 days a week and I love it. My body feels strong and healthy. As of Sunday morning, I'm down to 135 pounds! That's 62- count em 62 pounds in 15 months! I can't believe it. Oddly enough, my bmi still says I'm overweight, I have to be 128 pounds before my bmi becomes an even 25-- normal weight. But, I'm not going to put too much faith in the bmi, there is so much criticism of it anyway. I like my body. I've been this small before, like those days when I wasn't eating any carbs, or the days when I was just eating lettuce, but before, I got down here not in 15 months, but in like 2 or 3 months by doing extreme things and as soon as I stopped, I'd balloon up again. It just wasn't sustainable, but this feels sustainable.

People treat me differently. I fucking hate that. My sister says that I carry myself differently and that's why people treat me differently. I don't know if that's 100% true. I think it might be half true. The other problem is that a lot of my friends from last year, aren't really hanging around much anymore. I can talk about that more later, but a girlfriend of mine said that since I lost weight, I've been really stuck up. It made me cry. I really try to never be mean or stuck up. But then, I notice that I have other people (girls) being interested in being friends with me. That's the other weird thing about losing weight, I thought I'd get more male attention, but instead I'm getting more female attention. Women in my classes who didn't really talk to me before are asking me to coffee, wanting to hang out, inviting me to parties, it's odd. Some come right out and ask me "how I did it," but others, it's just inexplicable. It's like I'm someone completely new who they want to meet. Hello, I've been here all along!
As far as buying a pair of designer jeans, I did go to the store and try on a pair of 7s and a pair of True Religion. I decided that I can't digest paying $200 for a pair of jeans. It makes no sense in my world and those jeans weren't really anymore cute than my hand-me-down Levis from the goodwill. So, it is what it is.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Whip It!

Today I saw whip it which is this totally empowering chick flick starring Ellen Page (from Juno) and Marcia Gay Harden. Drew Barrymore directed and acted in it. She's a great director, but a really bad actress, so I'm happy that she really was barely in it. Anything with her performing is pretty painful. I don't usually like chick flicks but this one was great. all different shapes and sizes and girls kicking ass. nice.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Date #2

So, my second date was definitely not as bad as my first. The cool thing is that he's a graduate student in physics. The uncool thing is that we had our date the day before the fourth of July which incited a very unsexy conversation about the velocity of fireworks. This conversation did not end. He was absolutely Forrest Gumpian about fireworks. My eyes basically glazed over. He was nice enough though. We took a nature walk and had a picnic, which was totally romantic. But a physicist isn't the Lothario that one would expect. He was really quite boring. If he asks me out, I'll probably go out with him again... Give him another chance.

In other news, I want to talk about my weight. Since I started this process, I am down 45.2 pounds exactly. I weigh 148.8 pounds now. My BMI is 30.1- which, according to the bmi charts, makes me just slightly obese. Now, here's my thing. The first 40 pounds really fell off and I did very little other than being conscious and mindful and listening to the download. There was no dieting, no hardcore exercising, no deprivation, none of that. But since then, I've really stabilized. I still have a good 25-30 pounds that I need to lose just to be at a healthy weight, but my weight seems to have settled. I'm not sure where to go from here. I've completely stopped binge eating thanks to the hypnosis... but I'm wondering what else I must do. I'm contemplating a diet of sorts, but I know that diets don't work and cause me to binge. I have to reconsider. I'll talk about it once I think about it some more. For now, I'm just going to continue as I am.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Date number One. Oh my.

I'm actually on summer break. I can't believe it. My break only lasts a few weeks. But that's cool. I don't mind.

I went on my first official internet date! But. I wouldn't exactly call it a success. The boy, first off was the same height as me. Now. it's not really in my nature to be a judgmental or critical. But. here's the thing. I am barely five feet tall. And I would love to have my boyfriend be at least 5'2". I hope that this doesn't make me come off as a bitch. He wrote on his profile that he was 5'4". But... not so much.

But honestly, when I saw him, i thought he was cute. And I thought that I needed to get over it. So I went out with him. We went to a vegetarian restaurant, where he espoused the need completely disconnect oneself with anything that might minutely harm the enviornment. Which.. basically included eating at all. He drank water and ate nothing but a bowl of fruit. FOR DINNER!!!!!!!!
And he grilled the waitress about how the fruit was harvested, how they acquired the fruit, whether or not it was organic or local. Oh. My. God. It was mind boggling.
Now, here's the thing.

he actually criticized my weight.

He said that I didn't look this big in my picture. But he was generally kind.

Sparks? No. Will I go out with him again? Never.

But as a first experience. Well. At least I've started.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A little extra padding

I wasn't sure how to describe myself physically on my online profile.  there's not a whole lot of good choices. You can't say "who cares?" or "fat and proud." It's all quite annoying. I've been agonizing over my profile. I don't know quite how to put it all out there. I've never really online dated before. I'm a pretty private person. I once went out on a date with a guy that I met on craigslist, but it was because I bought his futon. Then he helped me christen it. 

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Trying to Come Back

It's summer. It's beautiful. It's time for me to forget winter and go forward. 
Tonight, I put my profile on I'm nervous but excited. 
I haven't gone out in months. I'm all alone on a Saturday night and I'm over it.

On the upside, my weight has changed dramatically. Since last August, when I began this journey, 
I've lost 44 pounds. That puts me at 154 pounds, which puts my BMI at just a bit over 30! Which means that if I lose just a few more pounds, I will no longer be put in the "clinically obese" category. Which will be really fucking nice when I go to the doctor. Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!!!!

And I love that I've been totally healthy the whole time. I've slipped up with some binges, and some nights of too much alcohol and not enough food. But for the most part, I've been really attuned to the needs of my body. And I feel better physically than I ever have. 

My summer goals are: 

1.)Run 10 miles. 
2.)Go out on 10 dates
3.)Save up, fit into, and buy a pair of designer jeans! Don't know if that will happen... but I would love to fit into a pair of True Religion or Seven Jeans. They are so cool. Maybe by August?  
4.)Move into a new place. 
5.)Get a job.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Pasta Slim-- yum!

I found the greatest new product. PASTA SLIM! It's not really pasta, it's like tofu all noodled up and only 50 calories and 10 carbs and 6 grams of fiber for a giant bowl of it. It's pretty awesome. Totally recommend. I got it at a food co-op, but the where to buy link is here

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Allison Sweeney's a hottie

I was watching The Biggest Loser earlier this evening. Now, here's the thing, I tuned into TBL to check out Jillian a little bit more, but I've become obsessed with Allison Sweeney. First off, she's totally pretty, but she's not a skinny minnie. She's definitely curvy and voluptuous. Really amazing. I am so happy that they don't have a Lindsay Lohan or even a Jessica Alba type. I mean obviously Lilo is totally ANA, but Jessica is what everyone wants to be and I still think she's totally unattainable. I think that Allison is just great. She's curvy, she actually has body fat and she's a real woman. I love that!!!!  
Jillian Anderson is out of her fucking mind. She is wretched. I think she's mean and fatophobic. I really do. I don't like her one bit. I'll elaborate more tomorrow. I think I might try her dumb DVD again. 

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

30 Day Shred

Ugh, so I've joined the masses and started doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. Thing is, I don't think it's super good for my health. I started doing level 1 last week. I only had 15 pound weights, which were not good. Too heavy. So then I started using containers of soy milk (32 oz. so 2 pounds each). Better, but still, the weirdest thing happened... from all the up and down, I wound up getting vertigo. I was totally dizzy, but it lasted for days. Finally, I started again today and when I was doing the jumping rope, i literally heard my knees popping and snapping. Very annoying. So I stopped. I wanted to get through 30 days, but I think it might be a hazardous workout, at least for my body it is. I don't want to ruin my knees doing a workout like this. 

Thursday, April 23, 2009

What I've Been Eating Lately

Lots of beer. But not in a depressed, mopey, alcoholic way, more in a drowning my sorrows with my girls. Things have been pretty bad between me and my roommate-- ever since her brother dumped me. He told her that I was obsessive and clingy. 

I just might be. 

When it comes to men, I fall in love really quickly. And when they pay attention to me, I eat it, no I fucking devour it. When I fall in love, I don't eat. I don't need to eat. I just obsess on the other. On what he's doing, on what he's thinking, on what he needs. My therapist said that I reject myself first. And that's how I lose myself. before I give anyone else the opportunity to know the real me. She said that I do that with food too. That I leave myself and binge on food and then no one is minding the store.  That's why I lose so much weight when I'm dating someone. I replace food with sex.  I'm trying to figure out how to me more with me. 

Sunday, April 19, 2009


Swimming fucking rules. I've been swimming like 3 times a week and it's amazing. I've been doing 50 laps wearing these hand paddles and these flippers. I'm doing it half for fitness but also because it's the one thing that's been getting my mind off of Doctor Dickhead. That's my ex's name btw. But we can just call him DD for short. I can't help but think that he ended things with me because of the things I'll never be. I'll never be tall, skinny, rich, sophisticated, I'll never be a doctor's wife type. I'll never be the girl who gets manicures and pedicures every week. I'll never have a Gucci or Prada or Coach or Mark Jacobs purse (even though sometimes I secretly want one), I'll never eat like a bird or talk in a nasal long island accent, I'll never be who I'm not. I wouldn't want to though. But still. I can't help it. I miss him. Terribly.

Monday, April 6, 2009

2009- It's been a long year already

So, since the year started, I've gotten a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend, gotten two root canals, started training for a half marathon, lost 10 pounds, bought a pair of designer jeans, got in touch with m estranged father, had to move out of my house because of my roommate, her brother and what happened between us. And oh yeah, i got pregnant and had an abortion. That really sucked. Will try to start blogging again. Been a little... distracted.  

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I'm not a crackhead, but a machead.

It's been a whirlwind since New Years, I've been traveling back and forth to New York City to see my boyfriend. Oh my god. I can't believe I have a boyfriend. Jonathan is my roommate's brother. He is a med student at Columbia in New York. I've been ecstatic for weeks. We've been going back and forth to see each other, but I've been trepidatious about saying anything because, well, usually I meet a boy and I kiss him or even do the nasty with him and then I totally fall in love with him and obsess over him while he completely rejects me. But so I was really into him and I was trying not to obsess, but the funny thing is, he didn't reject me. He came back to see me, then he bought me a plane ticket to come see him! I've been to New York twice in the past 7 weeks! I'm just completely excited. I've always wanted to move to New York, but he wants to do his residency in Minneapolis, so... things might be different than I've always thought. I don't know. Too early to think about this stuff now. Food is good. I've not gotten on the scale, but I'm a size 14!!!!!!!!!!!! I've never been this small. And I think I'm still going down. Exercise is still happening and I'm mostly eating low carb, whole foods. I'm pretty gloriously happy.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Do they just think that us women of size hate ourselves that much?

I am livid. LIVID!!!!!!! I entered a sweepstakes to win a $1000 giftcard from  a plus sized clothing store called Silhouettes. Then I went to the store and found that the models were TINY. Why, why, why, why, why would they use tiny models to sell clothes to women of size? That's just insulting. And I don't mean tiny as in size 12 or size 14, but I mean tiny like size 2 or 4. I'm totally outraged and upset. Do they think that we don't like to look at ourselves? That we think that there is something wrong with us? So we need a mirror that's someone half our size? It's not cool. It makes me so angry. 
The need or the idea that to be thin is to be happy or perfect is like a virus that's infected  this whole country. People need to be cured of this virus. Myself included. I'm not saying that I want to be unhealthy, I want to be healthy but not just physically, mentally too, so if I'm fit and healthy and still a size 18, I can still love myself and look at myself lovingly in the mirror, not look at what I might be or what I should be. I'm totally mad. 

Friday, February 13, 2009

The Most Delicious Soup

I invented soup tonight. I call it soup. I dunno. I didn't come up with a name for it.
First I steamed the fuck out of a head of cauliflower and a big old broccoli stalk, then, when it was all falling apart, I put them in the blender with 2 cups of unsweetened almond milk. I then put in a bunch of raw garlic cloves and some salt. It was way, way too garlicy, so I added another two cups of water and cooked it to relax the garlic and added all the broccoli and the califlower pieces and cooked it and it is yummy. All full of vitamins and protein from the almond milk and fiber. Yay! Soup soup soup. I love soup. I'm trying to learn how to cook, but I can't follow a recipe, never have been able to, so I'm just experimenting. Kind of fun.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

25 Random Facts About Me

For fun. 

1.)My mom almost named me Jane Lila instead of Lila Jane, but decided at the last minute to switch it, to my Dad's surprise- literally she gave the name to the doctor for my birth certificate!

2.)I started smoking cigarettes when I was 12 and quit when I was 22. I hate cigarettes. but i miss them.

3.)My kittens aren't really mine, they're my roommates, but they like me better. 

4.)My favorite food is guacamole, but I hate plain avocados. 

5.)My favorite word is conjunctivitis. 

6.)I did lots of drugs to try and lose weight. It didn't work. 

7.)Red Bull & Vodka is my drink of choice.

8.)I only need two to be drunk.

9.)I was born without toenails on my left foot. 

10.)I wish I could make flossing a habit. 

11.)I'm not sure that I've ever been in love, if it's love that I've been in, I've been in love like 14 times. 

12.)I'm afraid of serial killers. 

13.)My computer's name is Ermintrude.

14.)My vagina doesn't have a name.

15.)I am obsessed with Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn. Maybe that's why I've always been obsessed with being skinny.

16.)I've never been skinny.

17.)I want to be famous. 

18.)I don't know what I want to be famous for. 

19.)I want to have a baby, but I'm afraid that no one will ever marry me. 

20.)I don't put pictures of myself on the internet or facebook or anything because I am insecure about the way I look. 

21.)I paint the toenails on my right foot and my toes on my left. 

22.)I am hoping to move to New York City after I graduate. 

23.)I get obsessed with men who kiss me. I try not to, it's damaging. It hurts really badly. But I can't help it. 

24.)I still sleep with the same teddy bear that I have slept with since I was a baby.

25.)I never understood cheesecake. I love cheese, and cake too, but the two don't mix for me. I guess that I'm weird because most everyone goes crazy for the cheesecake factory. 

Friday, February 6, 2009

Soup, Orange Juice, Etc...

Oh my god. I'm sick again. I can't believe it. This semester I'm student teaching and those kids. Oh those kids, they are a sess pool of germs. Again, I kind of like being sick. It gives me time to do nothing. I don't study, I don't work, I don't go to class, I just sit in bed, watch Oprah, drink juice and be gleefully pathetic. The kittens are all cuddled up next to me. 

Weight wise, my loss has slowed down quite a bit. I haven't gone up, though I haven't gone down. My weight is stabilizing, though stabilizing at 40 pounds overweight. I started off doing the think and shrink program at 197 pounds and now I'm down to 160 pounds. That's about 37 pounds without trying.  I am a hair under 5 feet tall, so 120 pounds is not a low weight for me to aim for. In fact, it's fine. I think that the last 40 pounds might need a little extra muscle. A little push. Maybe some good old fashioned calorie counting. Though I'm nervous that I'll get into eating disorder mentality if I do that. Maybe just continue the mindful eating but work out a little more. I'm not sure how to go about it. One thing I know is that in the past, dieting hasn't worked. I lost almost 40 pounds without dieting. Maybe I just need to be more patient now. 

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Hey George Bush, C-Ya, Wouldn't wanna B-Ya!

I must admit. I am a staunch liberal. I was a kid during the Clinton years. So the idea of having a democratic president seems really novel to me. I'm lucky. I'm not one of those liberals who has to fight with their parents. My folks went to Woodstock and brought us up on a steady diet of blue mule and first amendment sandwiches. (No wonder I was so overweight). Anyway, this Barack Obama thing has really made me happy. On a very simple note, I student teach in an inner city school where most of my students are very poor, very underprivileged, African American students. Having Barack Obama as the President (it now deserves a capital letter) gives new hope, new direction for people who previously believed that if they weren't born into privilege, they would be doomed to end up in the same position as their parents (don't we all feel like that). But now there's hope for those kids. He's no George Bush, he's no Kennedy. He didn't land this position because he's "American Royalty." And that's a beautiful thing. It reaffirms my faith in this country (which I never really had). Anyway, I think that it's a new start for out country and also for minority groups who were previously pigeonholed. I think that the Roger Bannister paradox will kick in here. I feel hopeful.
Besides the fact that he's smart and charismatic and compassionate and helpful to the country, I also think he's pretty dreamy.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

kiss kiss

I love 2009. I'll admit it. Even though it's only 6 days into the new year, I'm still basking in the afterglow of a week long love fest. Not a summer fling but a holiday fling. On Christmas eve, after a carefully high proteined, low carbed meal with my mom and sister's family, I came back to my house to a tawdry night full of egg nog and my roommate's visiting brother. Jonathan. He and my roommate and her man had been sitting in front of the fireplace drinking eggnog and playing guitar hero and getting extremely silly. One thing led to another and, well... I had a Christmas miracle (I got laid!) and a New Years eve kiss. It was so nice. We basically spent the whole time he was here together. Snuggled up, kissing, building snowmen, shopping, throwing snowballs. I feel like I'm in love. He's in medica school in New York. I hope I see him again... sigh... anyway. I guess I'll see how it goes.

Monday, December 22, 2008

A Different Kind of Darwininan Paradox

I was reading Jeanette Fulda's post today about how she wishes she could get a secondary stomach that would take care of all the junk food that she wishes she didn't eat. Anyway, I was thinking about food obsession and how pathologized it is. Pasta Queen goes on to say, "I realized I have a serious problem with food."

We were born to live and then to procreate and then to die. Okay. That's weird. But then, if you think about it like that, it doesn't seem so weird that we're totally obsessed with food (and sex!) So, like let's say I wasn't born back in 1982, but instead in 3382 B.C. Everyday, I would wake up, walk around all day and look for food. I'd hunt, gather, pillage, kill, rape, etc. etc. All I'd care about was finding food and sex. Some might say I was obsessed, I was a hedonist, a pathological narcissist, or really, really self-centered. But back in the day yo, it was all about being obsessed with food.

But now, food is plentiful. And we as humans who are predisposed to be obsessed with food as to stay alive and propagate the species, we are the new Darwinian paradox. We are obsessed with food and thus the obesity epidemic. Are those who have lost the gene to be obsessed with food more advanced? You know those people, they never think about food until they need it, thten they eat exactly what their bodies need and stop... they've caught up with the new-fangled American abundance of food. They are the fittest!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Latkes of Fun!

It's nine degrees out. That's almost no degrees. Imagine that. Barely any degrees. Last night I went to a latke party. Imagine, a party that centered around deep fried potatoes. I wish that I'd taken pictures. Erin made piles and piles and piles of latkes and had different latke stations. There was a south western latke station-- these were sweet potato latkes served with black bean dip, salsa and cilantro dip. An chinese latke station with soy sauce/ green onion dip. An Indian latke station where the latkes were curry flavored and there was mango chutney other kinds of chutneys. An mid eastern latke station with humus and tahini and babaganoush. And finally a plain old latke station with sour cream and apple sauce. She also had made Manishevitz Sangria. It was delicious. I was really, really, really nervous about going to this party. Holiday parties are tough, but ones that are all about eating the most fattening, artery clogging food ever invented, well that's damn near impossible. I knew that I needed a plan. So, before I went I listened to the think and shrink recording twice, and then I wrote down my plan. I was allowed to have 2 whole latkes and 2 whole drinks. That's all nothing else. If I thought that I was going to be needing more or wanting more, I would walk outside and do some deep breathing and see myself at my goal weight, see myself feeling healthy and fitting into a bikini next summer. I also made a goal of talking to five new people. I also called my sister ahead of time and let her know my plan so she told me that she'd be available by phone all night if I needed her. She even sent me several texts with encouraging messages, like "you are healthy and strong!" "your deserve a healthy body" "you know how to eat normally!" The party was fine. I stuck to my plan. I wanted to try all the latkes so I cut them in half and wound up trying four different kinds. I forwent the chinese latkes deciding that those weren't as interesting as the others. Anyway, the party went totally well. I didn't need to leave once, having the plan worked well. I made lots of conversation and talked to people who I hadn't ever met before. It was great. The other thing is that it certainly didn't hurt that Erin and Rob and Jessica and Lisa and Steve and Ashely all pulled me aside and told me how great I looked and asked me how much weight I'd lost. It was pretty aweseome. I felt so pretty too. I was wearing a new pair of jeans and this very pretty satiny flowy red blouse. I was shocked but when I went shopping, I was actually down 4 sizes! I couldn't believe it. I think that feeling pretty and getting all those compliments definitely helped. I know that I'm still 50 pounds overweight, but feeling pretty is such an amazing help for my mood. I think that I need to spend more time doing things that make me feel pretty, like tweezing my brows, shaving my legs, giving myself manicures and pedicures and putting on lipstick. Feeling pretty helps me to feel happy, healthy, and worthy. It makes me feel like I'm worthy of love and attention. Before, when I was binge eating, I didn't feel worthy. I hid in big clothes and didn't care for my body and didn't do things like dress pretty or do my nails or anything. Now, I spend more time trying to do those things. It's all connected somehow, binge eating, a sense of worthiness and self care. I think that when I don't feel good about myself, I binge eat, when I binge eat, I feel worse about myself, when I feel worse about myself, I binge eat again. It's a vicious cycle. The only way to deal with it is to actually PULL myself out of it, kicking and screaming. It's hard, but it's possible. If I do lapse and have a binge, I have to remember that my body deserves love. This has been very helpful with the hypnosis downloads. I have to remember that I am worth taking care of, even if I mess up sometimes -- hey, I'm human! I can feel pretty and be happy and take care of myself even if I am 50 pounds overweight. None of that matters, it's what I feel on the inside. Of course I've heard this before, but I'm somehow actually beginning to feel it now.

Friday, December 12, 2008


I woke up today with a splitting headache, but I'm actually getting out of bed today! My taste for coffee has come back (I've had nothing but tea for the past 5 days), I got out of bed and made myself a nice steamy cup of coffee, downed some ibuprofen with it and now I'm sitting at the kitchen table, petting the kitties on my second cup feeling calm and peaceful. I think I have what my mother calls a "snow headache." She has always said that she's psychic and knows when it's going to snow because she gets a headache. Personally, I think it has something to do with the barometric pressure. Oh Mom! Or should I say "madame Mom." I once went to a psychic, a gypsie lady back when I was in college. It was because I was in love with a boy named Greg. We went out a couple of times and even fooled around once. But then he totally dumped me and it made me sad. Very sad. And so I went to a store front psychic, a gypsie by the name of Madame Maria. She wore a long velvet purple skirt. So of course I thought she was authentic. She told me that she could see I was having money problems (I was 19, so of course I was), she also told me that there was an important older woman in my life who lived far away (duh, I was a college student) and then she told me that she could tell that I was in pain because of a man. Then she said that this man loved me very much, but there was an evil spirit who was blocking his love from me, and that I needed a magic crystal to remove the spirit, and if I slept with this crystal by my head for 45 days, he'd come back to me and we'd get married and have children and be rich. Well, that sounded great to me. So I wrote her a check for 75.00 and got my magic crystal. Anyway. My check bounced. And so I tried to go back to Maria to make good on my money, but her store front was gone. I slept with the crystal on my head for 45 days. But I then realized that Greg was romantically involved with Steve, this guy in chem lab. Yeah, me and Greg weren't getting married. I did some research on gypsie fortune tellers and learned about cold questions, where they throw out these random facts that could apply to anyone, "Oh, I see that you want to move," "Oh, I see that you have money issues," "Oh, I see that you're having problems with love," etc. etc. etc. I can't believe I was so naive, but of course I was young and if people weren't naive, those fortune tellers just wouldn't exist at all.
Anyway, I pulled on a pair of jeans this morning and my goodness, they just about fell off of me. 5 straight days of soup and robitussin has stripped some pounds away. I have been trying not to weigh myself super often, but I was so curious, so I hopped on the scale. 7 pounds down since my last weigh in. I'm sure that 5 of those are sick pounds and will come back, but this is now a 32 pound loss since I started in August.
I'm nervous about those pounds coming back, but I think that as long as I continue to listen to the think & shrink download, I'll keep up the good habits. From what I've heard about hypnosis is that it does take a good amount of consistency to maintain the change, so... I'll keep going. At this rate I should be at my goal weight by the summer. I can't imagine what it would be like to wear a tank top or shorts or, dare I think, a bikini? whoah.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Sick, but trudging along

I've been in bed for the past two days, chugging Robitussin and chicken soup and gatorade. Sometimes I like being sick. I'm not sure why. I think it's because I give myself permission to really take care of myself. I don't push myself to exercise, don't push myself to work, to read anything intellectual, to do anything really. I've just been in bed watching tv (I love the Price is Right btw), surfing the web and petting the kittens. I believe that the Universe has a way of showing me what I need to see when I need to see it. I've been feeling so think that caring for myself is what has been missing in my life. I do things like go to school, go to work, work out, and eat right, but I don't do a whole lot of nurturing myself. Taking long hot baths with vanilla oil in them, doing my toenails, drinking tea leisurely while reading the gossip column, rubbing lotion into my feet and stuff like that. Maybe all the reasons that I gained so much weight have to do with the fact that I didn't know how to nurture myself. Or didn't take the time to, so I would steal the time by binge eating. Loving myself is the most best thing that I can do. Because I can't rely on anyone else to do that right now. Anyway, back to hot tea and the Price is Right.

Monday, December 8, 2008


I woke up yesterday feeling crappy and as the day went on, I got sicker and sicker. And then in the middle of the night, my sinuses filled with fluid and I woke up this morning feeling like crap. Now I have to drag my ass out of bed, trudge through the snow (oh yeah, it's snowing) and spend the day in classes and working. I definitely don't like being sick. Today is a day to spend the day in bed. But I can't. This week is a week to spend the week in bed. But I can't. Tylenol cold seems to work well if I can get a hold of it. Maybe I'll stop off and get some. 

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The holiday parties are a startin...

So I went to my first holiday party yesterday. This morning I woke up with what feels like a cold. It was the party of my supervisor, who I also assist. She has this gigantic warm, beautiful house and a beautiful husband and 3 perfect children. This party was catered by these organic gourmets. It was just beautiful. But sometimes... when I go to these perfect parties, with perfect people, and perfect food... I can feel really, really lonely. I bought a new dress for the party in a size that I haven't been in 4 years. I felt so beautiful in it. But then when I got to the party, I was faced with the reality of "You're still fat. You're still more than 50 pounds overweight." And those 50 pounds were weighing me down. I looked at my arms, which looked like big stuffed sausages poking out from the petite spaghetti straps that I was wearing. I saw the belly, that was definitely NOT managed by my spanx (spanx is no miracle). And everyone there was wearing these beautiful dresses and impossibly slim. I felt gross. I came home last night feeling lonelier than ever. The party itself was nice. I didn't overeat and I met nice people. It was inocuous and my supervisor introduced me proudly to all her friends. But inside, I felt a wreck.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Finding Love

I know that loving myself is important. And I work at it. I do. I remind myself that I am a good human being and that I am caring and compassionate and intelligent and do good things in the world. However, I feel sad that I've not found love. I know intellectually that 26 years old isn't old and that I don't need to be married right now or have kids. But it would be so awesome to just have a partner in crime. Someone who totally supports me and can hold my hand when I cry, put me to bed when I've drank too much, make me chicken soup when I'm sick and come with me to parties when I just don't feel like going alone. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I guess I've never really felt like I deserved love. Like I've always thought that love was reserved for pretty skinny girls. When I finally did get my first boyfriend, he treated me like I was so lucky to be with him. And I felt like I was. I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. But I wasn't very lucky. He wasn't kind. He was critical. He kept on telling me that he expected more from me. That he needed me to be better. And I tried so hard. I spent a long time trying to do things to please him, like I cooked for him all the time, I tried to lose weight (starved myself then binged eated), I bought him presents and also drove him everywhere. He mostly insulted me and yelled at me. But I thought I was lucky. I wasn't lucky. Since then, there have been 2 others, one that lasted a month, and the other was about 2 months. But they're not real. Not like a real boyfriend-girlfriend thing. I want that.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

It Started With the Bread...

It always starts with the bread for me. I was on my way home from shopping last night and I stopped at this cute little gourmet shop and bought a baguette. I don't know why I bought a baguette. I've never been able to handle bread. I guess I thought that I could. Or at least I wanted to try. I haven't binged since I started doing the weight loss hypnosis. That's over 3 months! And so I thought I could handle a piece of bread. No. It was hot. So hot. I started in the car. And by the time I got home, I had eaten half. And it was cold by that time. So I put it in the over and ate the rest of the baguette with butter. But that wasn't enough for me. I then made a pot of spaghetti and poured sauce on it and ate the whole thing. I ate like probably a half of a box of spaghetti which is I think like 4 servings technically. I was so full and bloated afterward, I just went to sleep. I woke up this morning feeling badly. But I'm trying to let it go. I don't know why I did it. Maybe i needed a boost. Maybe it just happens sometimes. I'm not going to let it kill me. I'm not going to let one day of a slip up undo all of my efforts. I'm going to eat sensibly today, listen to the Think and Shrink download on my ipod, try to bundle up and go for a run at some point, or maybe hit the gym. But I will not let this break me.

Friday, November 28, 2008

I'm grateful, thankful and I'm happy.

I love to blog. But I've been somewhat lackadaisical since my semester has gotten underway. I am going to change that. I'm going to make at least an hour each day to blog. That's my Thanksgiving resolution.
I weighed myself yesterday morning for the first time in weeks. I was so happy I nearly cried. 172 pounds. I have lost a grand total of 25 pounds since I started the Think and Shrink program. My clothes are pretty baggy, I feel strong, and I feel determined. Only 55 more pounds to go! I can't believe it. I feel amazing. Thanksgiving was good. I've been feeling pretty low since it ended with Al. I know that it was only a month long relationship, but even though it was so quick, I really thought that he was the one. Since he dumped me, I've been feeling so lonely, so miserable. Like I'll never find anyone who will ever love me again. My skinny roommate and her skinny boyfriend continue to rub it in my face, walking around the house hand-in-hand, passionate noises from her room constantly, and looking at each other like they're the only people in the world who exist. It makes me feel more lonely. I also found that Al was dating this other friend of my friend Erin. Already! I thought that he was mine. I thought we had something special and I was totally wrong.
But I'm not going to obsess about that right now. Right now I'm going to talk about what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that Thanksgiving was awesome. My mom had about 30 people over! Me and my brother and sister, brother in law and nieces all got there on Wednesday and started cooking at 8am Wednesday morning. It was amazing. My nieces are so cute and being around them make me feel so blessed and happy. They are just amazing to watch. Everything is exciting to them. Children are such a blessing.
I ate lots of turkey and
brussels sprouts and also lots of cranberry sauce. Also I ate just a bit of pumpkin pie. But that's kind of it. I didn't over eat and I still ran around with my nieces and got lots of exercise. I'm so grateful for my amazing family. I'm also grateful for my cute, low rent house and for my incredibly sweet roommate and her nice boyfriend (even though they can be annoying), I'm grateful for the cats and for my health. My life is good. I must remember that as much as I can.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Obama, Oh boy!

I feel so proud and blessed to be part of this amazing day in American history. How amazing that we as a country united to create such change. I feel hopeful.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I voted!

There's no holiday that I love more than election day. And this year, there's something just so amazing about being a part of history. An African American man on one ticket, a woman on another. Wow! I'm just so in awe. We're really moving toward change in this country. I am excited.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

One Month-- Oh My!

I'd like to say that I haven't written in a month because I got locked in a tower because I fell in love with a prince who my evil step father didn't approve of and so I grew my hair so long that he had to climb up my hair to rescue me from the tower, and by the time he got up there, I was so skinny that my size 6 sevens slid down my hips and we made magical tower love and lived happily ever after.

But that didn't happen. I met a jerky guy and had a 3 1/2 week long relationship and Seven doesn't make jeans in my size and I don't have hips, all I have is mid-terms and residual annoyance from a 7 stupid dates with a stupid guy.

At least I lost 6 pounds this month.

Let me tell you about Al. Al is pretty. Al is a pretty California boy who loves his dog, and surfing and Frasier. (Frasier!?-- wtf) He smokes clove cigarettes and has silver hair. His skin is tan, almost brown, but his eyes are light. Our first date he told me that he could fall for me. Our second date, he told me that he was falling for me. Our third date, he told me that he fell for me. Our fourth date he bought me a watch-- it was a shrek watch from burger king, but still, a watch.
Our fifth date he gave me a key to his apartment. Our sixth date he told me that he was beginning to feel overwhelmed. Our seventh date he told me that his ex-girlfriend wanted to get back together. There was no eighth date. Just an email telling me that he was confused and overwhelmed and he thinks that we shouldn't see each other any more. That was 5 days ago.

I'm confused.

I don't understand men.

I have mid-terms.

I miss Charleston Chews.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Lila Lost 2 Pounds and Lila Met a Boy!

I could just end this post right here, but I'll expound slightly. I stepped on the scale on Saturday morning because I felt light, and I said I'll only step on the scale when I was feeling light. So I did because I did. And I'm down 2 more pounds. That's 17 pounds down since I started the Think & Shrink program. Not bad for two months. Saturday night I went to an Irish bar with my girlfriend Erin and her new flame Wil. Wil brought his friend Albert, a computer programmer from San Diego (who moves to Minnesota from San Diego?) Anyway, Albert the programmer was dreamy dreamy dreamy. He has these big blue eyes that look like the sky and he has silver hair! Silver hair! And he's only 28. It's so sexy. Anyway, we're going out on Wednesday. I'm so excited.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Back on the Horse...

Or the bicycle! So to speak. I woke up this morning and did a spin class and put yesterday behind me. The problem with the spin class though is that no matter how fast you go or how long you go for, you don't really move forward. I did some healthy food shopping and listened to the metabolism boosting segment of the think & shrink program. Geez, that one is crazy. Everytime I listen to it, I feel like I'm all hopped up on espresso. I think it totally works. Though it's a little freaky. Gotta text from the ex. He's so weird. Everytime he sees me he needs to follow it up with a text message. I think he's a manipulative prick. He wants me to never get over him. Once again, I think it's time for me to start dating again. My goal for the weekend to put my profile on match or something and get at least one date. My kittens are going crazy chasing a fly. It's pretty cute.

Oh I had such a bad day

I woke up and it was a beautiful day so I decided to go on a nice long bike ride before class. But my front tire was flat. So I went to pump it when I discovered a full on gash in my tire! So annoying! So I decided to go on a run. After about, I don't know, let's say 2 1/2 minutes of running, I tripped over a stick. A STICK! And fell and scraped up my knee and my hand. I was bleeding pretty bad, so I limped on home. Then, my roommate was standing in the kitchen IN HER UNDERWEAR! with her boyfriend, WHO WAS IN HIS UNDERWEAR! And they were eating honey smacks, just standing there in their skivvies with the cereal bowls in their hands just staring at me. And my roommate weighs, oh, i don't know 4 pounds, and she just stood there looking all sexy watching me coyly and her boyfriend finally said, "dude, are you okay?" and I screamed, "no i'm not fucking okay, i think i broke my knee and my hand too!" and then I started crying. And they LAUGHED at me. And I said, "why are you laughing at me?!" and then I couldn't stop crying. It sucked. Anyway. eventually I cleaned myself up and I don't think that I broke my hand and my knee. But I was bleeding and it really hurt. So then I went to class and I was late and my professor totally gave me the eye and then she made a comment to me later about whether or not I was committed. It was so awful. So then I went home and cried again, and then, for the first time since I started doing the hypnosis, I binged. Yup. First time in almost 8 weeks. I binged. And not on anything good. On chickpeas. I binged on chickpeas. I ate 3 cans of chickpeas. My first binge and it's on chickpeas. Oh well. The good things was that I didn't continue the binge. I tuned out and watched tv to relax. But then, I went to the library and of course I see the ex there. He looked at me and turned around and walked the other way. It really sucked. I sat and cried in the Technology & Applied Sciences section.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I've Found The Fountain of Youth

I've been taking a teaspoon of cod liver oil every day. I'm drinking the lemon flavored one, so it's easy to get down. Anyway, I've noticed a lot of differences. First off, my mood is calm most of the time, second off, my skin is completely clear now. Third off, I feel energized most of the day. I recommend it like crazy!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

2 all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun

I knew that song before I ever ate a big mac. In fact, I must admit, I've never eaten a Big Mac. A Quarter Pounder, yes. Chicken McNuggets. Oui! Even an Arch Deluxe. But a Big Mac. No. And maybe I never will. I have no cravings for the burger, but I certainly did have a craving for the commercial. But I couldn't find the one that I liked. But I did find this one, from when I was a year old! But the great one was the one that I found from way before I was born... Okay, but that didn't disturb me as much as this. How come no one ever talks about how creepy Ronald McDonald is?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Weighed today...

I didn't want to step on the scale this morning, but I did and my weight is down to 182 pounds! Holy Moly. That's 15 whole pounds that I've lost. I feel a little nervous about the scale though, like I don't want to continue to use it because I don't want it to dictate how I feel about myself. I don't know if that makes sense. But sometimes, I feel like it tells me whether or not I'm allowed to be happy for the day. What if I were to step on it and it said 183. Would I be depressed? I can tell you right now that I would be. I think that I'm gonna try to not weigh myself every day, but only when I feel like I've lose weight. Only when I feel thinner. That way, I can try to train myself out of using the scale and into trusting and loving myself. Went for a run this morning. That was good. I also painted my toenails and washed my hair and flossed my teeth. It made me feel more clean and more beautiful. It's a really beautiful day out today. I'm suposed to go to the last barbecue of the season. Today is the last official day of summer so my friend Julie is having a last official day of summer barbecue. Love it. It's easy to spend time at her place because she always stockss stuff like garden burgers and fruit salads and humus and veggies and all sorts of healthy stuff. She's one of those naturally thin people who's never been fat, never had an eating disorder and totally loves her body. She goes hiking and swimming and is full of muscles and long, lean and always calm. Sometimes I want to be her.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Obesity Epedemic and Little Kids

I read this article this morning about children as young as 5 having heart attacks and strokes because of high cholesterol and obesity. Is this real or is this the typical American scare tactics, like fat is some kind of Osama Bin Laden stealthy little sucker just waiting in the closets to attack us. There's so much debate and questioning about why this exists. And the fact that it's called an Epidemic takes the responsibility away from the individual, as though obesity is attacking us without warning, sneaking up on us. Why are we so fat? I know why I became overweight. Because I ate too much. I ate too much because I was sad. I was because, well, because I was overweight... why was I overweight? I ate too much. I think it started with my parents divorce. I felt so lonely and depressed. I would come home and my sister wouldn't be home, or if she was, she'd be on the phone with her friends. So then I'd dig into the oreos and milk and lay on my belly in front of the tv and watch Woody Woodpecker and eat a bag of oreos. A bag of oreos almost every day after school. It soothed me. It made me feel better. I'm not sure about this addictive, sedative effect of processed food. It is something that made me feel safe and secure in the past. Eating was always consistent, alway there, food always had the same effect. It always worked to make me feel better.

Now it's different. Now I'm reaching out for new things, like exercise, which certainly does help me feel better, or also a warm bath with Dr. Bronners lavendar soap which smells nice and relaxes me, sometimes I listen to the think & shrink on my ipod, the long version and that's incredibly relaxing, I find lots of things that are consisitent like the way food used to make me feel. Food at some point ceased to make me feel better and has just made me feel worse. When I eat (in a binging addictive way) I feel bad about myself. I feel uncomfortable. I feel full and sick.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

It's time I start dating

Me and the ex have been apart for awhile now. I got fat while mourning after him. That's fine. I was fat before, but I got bigger because after we broke up I sat around and ate. A lot. I gained about 20 pounds in 6 months. And then I became obsessed with losing it so I could start dating again. And that diet made me gain another 10 pounds.

I can't wait to get thin so I can start to date. I'm lonely. I'm tired of being alone. So I need to just start and date and not wait to lose it. I'd love to date someone and think that it's okay to let him love me when I'm at that size. Can I love myself at this size? I'd like to. My kittens love me. They love my fat too. They knead all over my belly.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Skinny What!?

I've been thinking about this website whose purpose is to point out celebrities and ponder about whether they have lost weight, gained weight, are too skinny, too fat, not toned enough, too toned, wearing this wearing that. It doesn't have cruel comments persay, but it encourages readers to scrutinize and criticize celebrity bodies. It's quite popular apparently because each entry has tons of comments from people saying things like "ick, she's fat," or "gross thighs, not toned." For people like Reese Witherspoon...

This is the kind of thing that makes not just superstars anorexic, but non-stars. It's so hypercritical and judgmental. Women need to stick together and love their bodies, not hate their bodies! And love their bodies no matter what. Love your body because it's strong. Love your body because it's healthy. Love your body because it's resilient. But don't hate your body because it's fat. You did that, your body didn't. Your body reacts to the way you treat it. If you treat it with loving kindness, kind words, kind thoughts, kind actions, it will reward you with being healthy and feeling good. If you treat it badly, with bad thoughts, bad food, punative exercise, starving, pills, drugs, hate words, it will treat you with aches, pains, and by breaking down. These kinds of websites teach people to be critical not just of their own bodies, but of other people's bodies. What right do people have to be hateful and criticize others for the way they look? It makes me really angry and sad.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

6 Weight loss tips from Bill Winch

provided by Bill Winch:

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #1: Exercise
You knew this would be at the top. It is extremely important to participate in some sort of aerobic exercise for least 30 minutes each day. For me, it's riding a bike 4 miles a day, rain or shine without exception. I make it fun by riding with a friend, or listening to my favorite music on my IPOD. Don't just do it for one day and then give up. The more you get out there and do it, the more you will enjoy it.

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #2: Meal Replacement
Everyone I help to maintain weight follows the same routine I do. I replace one high-calorie meal a day with an all-natural soy-based protein shake. This allows us to get all the nutrition we need on a daily basis without eating as many calories as we did when we were overweight. For me, it's the first meal I eat when I wake up in the morning so I never forget or become too busy to eat properly.

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #3: Keep A Food Log
When you write down everything that you passes your lips, you can be honest about your weight. If you look on your list and see too many junk foods, you know what you have to do to make that list shorter the next day so you can get back on track. This is extremely helpful for me at night when I feel the urge to snack while watching a movie. This is the worst time you can eat, so avoid it at all costs.

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #4: Make Healthier Food Choices
This doesn't mean you have to give up on all the foods you love. It just means that if they are high-calorie/salt/fat foods like pizza and fettucini alfredo, you must limit your intake. Choose lean proteins for no less than half of your weekly meals instead of rotating between things that are crispy, fried or smothered with high calorie toppings. Fish, chicken and filet are all healthy alternatives.

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #5: Drink Lots Of Water
This is extremely important because your body cannot function properly when it is dehydrated. Many times people think they are starving when all they really need is a nice cool glass of water. Keep a bottle full of cold water with you at all times. Who cares if it takes you a little extra time to keep it filled? It's better than spending time eating junk food you really don't need that will sabotage all of your hard work and efforts.

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #6: Drink Green Tea
Remember when I said I woke up every morning and drank a soy-based protein shake for breakfast? Well, there is one thing I do before that and it is drinking a hot cup of herbal green tea. Not only is this a super-healthy drink that provides all kinds of vitamins and minerals, but it actually suppresses your appetite while speeding up your metabolism! How awesome is that? Oh, and I almost forgot. It also gives you tons of energy! I usually drink 3 cups a day.

When you lose weight and want to keep it off for good, follow these six healthy weight maintenance tips and you will find yourself on the right path to having enough enthusiasm to maintain an ideal weight for yourself. Just think about it like this: If you gained weight by eating junk food, and you lost weight by eating right, you're obviously going to gain it all back if you start eating junk food again.

When you have a strong reason to lead a healthy lifestyle, you won't want to go back to old habits.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Trying to feel normal...

Normal is s funny thing. Normal about food is weird. What does it mean to feel normal around food? Does it mean to be obsessed with food? Neutral about food? Or somewhere in the middle. I have spent most of my life being obsessed with food. My desire, and my reason for trying the weight loss hypnosis program is to completely change the way I feel about food. I want to think that food is there to nurture me. But only in a physical way, not in an emotional way. I think that for most of my life I looked to food to help soothe me and calm my nerves and heal my wounds. I would sit alone in my room with a box of cocoa krispies. I don't know why cocoa krispies. I think I thought it would heal everything. It healed nothing, but it felt good. It soothed me. It kept me safe. Safe. It's incredible how food can be so safe and so unsafe at the same time.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Still grey and raining outside, still getting bright and less blue inside

The good news is that I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another pound. I've never lost weight so slowly and so consistently in my life. It might take me 80 weeks to lose 80 pounds, but at least I know that it will last and the changes will stick. I'm now at 182.6. I can't tell quite yet, my body doesn't look different. But I feel generally hopeful. I'm still taking the cod liver oil. I feel as though it's had an enormous effect on my mood. I feel less anxious generally and I think that my skin is looking good too. First I was taking a tablespoon a day, then I read that you can't eat that much because of vitamin A poisoning. Anyhow... things are looking up. I didn't even think all that much about the boy yesterday.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


I'm really sad tonight. The hurricane in Houston is so sad. All these people losing their homes. I've been praying for days. Also, I read on the news that 10 people were killed and over 100 injured on a commuter train in L.A. I hate it when humans get hurt. It pains me to the depths.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Holy Crap... Polyvore makes my woes go away!

I found this AWESOME new website called Polyvore. Holy moly, it's the best thing ever. There are literally millions of different outfits that you can create. I'm gonna make a bunch so that when I reach my goal weight, I can buy the outfits. It's so fun!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Party Time...

Oh it's that time of year when parties galore happen. It's all about fall and pumpkins and beer and warm fresh donuts and all that. I just left a party. I just didn't want to be there. It's rainy and yucky out and I have no desire to sit around drinking and eating and then trying to get home. And I saw the boy. Oh him. He makes me so miserable. If I had any appetite that the hypnosis hasn't taken away yet, then he definitely did. Because I got totally nauseous when I saw him. I was lingering near the chip bowl. Pondering. I didn't have any chips. I saw him walk in. He was alone. It sucked. He walked right over to Jemma, a girl he dated after we broke up. He glanced over at me and I suddenly felt totally stupid. I wasn't talking to anyone. I was just standing there over the dumb chips. Suddenly I didn't feel as confident as I'd been feeling. I felt totally fat. My thighs were like 850 pounds each and as I backed away from the chip bowl, I felt them rubbing together, the friction feeling painful, wondering if I had a heat rash. I felt like a mac truck backing up and wondered if I should say "beep-beep-beep..." And that's when I left. I didn't even say goodbye to Iris, my friend who I came with. I just left her there. I'm home now. I'm trying to relax, breathe, think good thoughts about myself...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

High Fructose Corn Syrup is WHAT for you?

Holy Moly, have you seen the High Fructose Corn Syrup commercials about how it's good for you? It's natural? It comes from corn? It's pretty nuts. There's been research for years about how bad it is for bodies. According to the Weston Price Organization "Pure fructose contains no enzymes, vitamins or minerals and robs the body of its micronutrient treasures in order to assimilate itself for physiological use.7 While naturally occurring sugars, as well as sucrose, contain fructose bound to other sugars, high fructose corn syrup contains a good deal of "free" or unbound fructose. Research indicates that this free fructose interferes with the heart’s use of key minerals like magnesium, copper and chromium. Among other consequences, HFCS has been implicated in elevated blood cholesterol levels and the creation of blood clots. It has been found to inhibit the action of white blood cells so that they are unable to defend the body against harmful foreign invaders." According to several studies with rats, fructose consistently produces higher kidney calcium concentrations than glucose. Fructose generally induces greater urinary concentrations of phosphorus and magnesium and lowered urinary pH compared with glucose. Read, it sucks. It's bad for you. It's worse than sucrose or beet sugar or anything like that. In fact, since it's introduction into modern foods in the late 70's and early 80's, people have become more obese in this country. I'm so angry at this propoganda. It's just ridiculous.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Ted Nugent hates fat people

Apparently, Ted Nugent thinks that fat people are a pox upon the planet. "In an interview with Anthony Bourdain, Nugent says, "Obesity is a manifestation of a cultural its most vulgar and displeasing-to-look-at form. And it's suicide as a lifestyle."

But I guess that anyone who is this sexy has the right to judge everyone else.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

It's working!

I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another 2 pounds! I'm 184 now, which leaves me with just another 67 pounds to go... ugh.. but the good news is, I'm down 13 pounds! That's a lucky number.

The weight loss is a great thing, but actually, the hypnosis is really working now. I've been listening to the program on my ipod a lot more frequently lately (like sometimes even twice a day!)
and I've noticed that I'm beginning to feel a lot more neutral around food. For example, I was at a party last night and there were chips and chocolate and cupcakes and beer all over the place. I saw them, but I didn't even consider it, and it wasn't a struggle. It felt like it felt back when I was a vegetarian, I just didn't register it as an option. I wasn't hungry and so I didn't eat. I did want a drink though so I chose to drink a beer (not even a lite beer) and I drank it slowly and didn't even finish it. I felt like I was so much more engaged in talking to people and I was feeling totally confident and happy so it was a lot easier than it has in the past. I felt so totally transformed. It was amazing. It's the kind of feeling that I hope will stay for the rest of my life.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Pilates can make you hot

Whoah. Pilates is weird, it's unlike doing crunches, but today I noticed that my stomach (though still flabbly) looks like, like there's armor underneath. So far so good, enjoying exercise. I think that the cod liver oil is helpful.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Is food a habit or a hunger thing?

I think it's a habit. My roommates left cookies on the kitchen table and i noticed that I was eating them. That was weird. I stopped the second I noticed, that's another good thing about the hypnosis is that I'm more mindful.  If I think about it, I notice that I'm not always hungry when I'm eating, sometimes I just need to fill time or space or I'm thinking about something that I don't want to, so I start to chow. Oh well. It's good to notice so I can stop before too much damage is done. 

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Weighed today...

So I'm down to 186. That's down another pound this week. Weekend was good, full of barbecues and swimming and friends back in town. Which was so great. I'm looking forward to feeling less lonely. In other news, I started taking cod liver oil today. I know that sounds gross, but supposedly it helps with mood. I guess I'll see.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Aslee Simpson Fights Back-- Size zero story a lie

according to Ashlee's blog:

Today I read on a blog that I went to the doctor and he said I was overweight and I cried and went to Planet Blue (because I was blue) and bought 6 pair of size 0 jeans. Now it is ridiculous to read such nonsense about oneself so I thought I would address this one...

1. My doctor says I am right on target with my weight gain
2. Have not been to Planet Blue in at least two years
3. Love my maternity jeans ..they have stretchy tops it is awesome!
4. My closet full of size 0's are being worn by Pete right now and he looks hot in them :)
So now that I have cleared that up let me tell you...carrying a child is the most inspiring, emotional, amazing experience of my life. My weight and my pant size are the absolute last thing I am concerned about. I am only concerned with having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. People who talk and judge pregnant women's weight need to get a life!!!
Peace and Love,

I'm glad to see that she's way more down to earth than the tabloids make her out to be. Good for her.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Ashley Simpson Buys Size Zero Jeans to Inspire Weight Loss After Birth

Ashley Simpson, who is expecting her baby in October, freaked out when she found out how much weight she gained. Apparently, according to the National Enquirer "She went straight to the Planet Blue shop in Los Angeles and bought six pairs of size zero jeans. She can't wear them now, but she hopes it will give her the incentive to watch what she eats."

Wow, that's a lot of money for clothes that aren't even your size. A size zero? does she want to disappear? That makes me feel so sad. So many people feel so pressured to sacrifice their health for the sake of thinness.

God I'm lonely...

does that sound weird? It's true. Sometimes I feel just so damn lonely, like no one will ever love me. And that D.H, my last boyfriend, will actually be my last boyfriend. After he dumped me, I didn't leave my bed for 2 weeks. I just laid there smoking menthol cigarettes, drinking coffee (after making it a little Irish) and watched the Young and the Restless. Because I'm always feeling so young, yet old, and restless, yet lazy. I know that this is a weight loss blog, but I have to say, since my eating has become more normal, all the feelings that I've been hiding with food have been coming to the surface. Especially loneliness. especially night loneliness. I used to eat at night. A pizza, some oreo cookie ice cream, take-away (i'm so british) or whatever. anyway, now i'm not doing that some i'm alone with my thoughts and feelings. And my thoughts and feelings hurt. they really hurt. but somehow, i don't want to eat. I guess i'll just blog. I need to talk more about this, but not now. now it's enough to just tell you i'm lonely.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Holy Crap- Honey! Who knew?

So, I had a weird thing happen today. I was standing in the kitchen, with my exercise clothes on, ready to go out to take a run. I hate to run... but I'm trying to learn to like it. Anyway, my roommate's jar of honey was just sitting there on the counter and without thinking about it, I opened the jar, stuck a spoon it and ate a gigantic spoonful of it. Straight. And then I stuck the spoon in and did it again. Whoah. That was weird. I don't eat honey ever. I don't even put it in my tea. Hell I don't even drink tea, just coffee with equal or splenda. Anyway... I jumped back when I realized what I was doing and put the jar back on the honey jar and ran out of the house for my run. Okay, so now here's where it got weird. I had the best run of my whole entire life. I ran for about 45 whole minutes without stopping even once! Then when I got home and clocked my run
I saw that I had run 4 miles! That's like 11 minute miles! I'm in shock! I thought that I couldn't even run a mile in 15 minutes. It was amazing. So then I googled honey for endurance and found out that I'm definitely not the first person to figure this out. Apparently, honey, because it's a lower GI food, has less of an impact on blood sugar, so it's more sustainable than simple sugars.

Apparently, it also helps with cholestrol and diabetes. Whoa.

Here's the weird thing, I think that the hypnosis is definiteley working now, because it tells me to know my body and trust my body to tell me what it needs I've been really trying to ask my body what it needs, but this time, I didn't even ask, it just kind of took over. I think that my brain is really changing, it's weird. That's the only way I can describe it. I guess my body knew that I needed honey for a run. I mean it makes sense, lots of people eat those things, like GU and gel which seems so gross to me, but I think that they are just like shots of sugar that give you a burst when you're exercising. It makes sense, I mean when you exercise, you burn carbs, so when your carbs are burned up, you start burning fat. That's why low carb diets make you lose fat so quickly. But that's also why exercising is HELL on a low-no carb diet. I'm eating moderate carbs these days I think. Maybe I'm not losing weight as fast as I want to, but I'm feeling so much happier and healthier and more relaxed than when I did no carb diets in the past.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Hayden Panettiere is my bikini inspiration

I'm not saying that I'm a celebrity or anything, but of all the celeb bods, I like hers the best. First off, she's the same height as me (5 feet tall). Second of, she's muscular, not bony. Third off, she still manages to be curvy.

Weigh In Day Today...

So, I weighed in this morning and I'm down to 187. So, it's been 22 days since I've been doing the Think and Shrink program and I'm down a total of 10 pounds. Though, maybe 3 don't really count because of the giant binge that I had the night before I started.
I know that this is weird because being down 2 pounds in a week is a good thing, but for some reason, I was hoping that it would be more. I don't want to get into that thinking though because I did the hypnosis to make peace with food, not to become obsessed. In many ways, I think it's working because I feel like it's okay for me to leave food on the plate. I know that I can eat more later. Also, I like that when I'm amped up, I can do a hypnosis session and come out of it feeling so much calmer. I haven't done the speeding metabolism hypnosis a lot, but I was thinking that I might start to try that one a little more. I do feel calm more often. One of the really great things about the think & shrink thing that I forgot to mention is that I've become obsessed with exercise. Especially spinning and pilates. I've taken like 6 spin classes in the last 22 days and like 4 pilates clasess. So I love that. It makes me feel strong.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Spin Class Sucks

I went to spin class and he was there again. Only this time, he was there without her.

I hate him. He makes me sick.

okay. that's not true completely.

He is the ex. I think he's stalking me. I saw him for the first time in 2 years a couple of weeks ago at spin class, he was there with his new girlfriend. I knew that we went to the same gym, I mean we joined together, but, well, I haven't gone in years, just been paying. But for some reason I either forgot or didn't think about the fact that it was his gym. And I certainly didn't think that I'd see him at a Thursday night spin class with a teenage girl a few weeks ago. That sucked. That freaking sucked. Anyway I was really depressed. And then he called me and told me that I looked good and that he missed me.

Oh jeez. I can't talk about it right now. It makes me depressed. It makes me want to eat a bowl of pasta.

I'm gonna go and listen to the long version on the think & shrink cd. It always calms me down. I'll tell more of this story tomorrow.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Britney Spears is skinny Again

According to Britney: "I'm the healthiest I've been all my life," Britney, 26, tells OK!. "My diet has a lot to do with my getting into shape. I have no sugar. I don't eat fruit or even fruit juice because of the sugar. I eat chicken and salmon and rice. I eat avocados. I'll have egg whites for breakfast and sometimes turkey burgers for lunch. I try to do just 1,200 calories a day. It may sound like it's not much, but it's actually a lot of food if you eat the right things..."

It sounds like she's doing low carb, except the rice. Weird. I don't know why you'd eat rice but no fruit. Rice is pretty nutritionally void, especially white rice. An apple or orange would be healthier. I know from experience that restricting like this always winds up having a binge in the back that's twice as big. The hypnosis is really helping the idea of moderation to feel a bit more comfortable these days.

Boy, people are really mad at Jennifer Love Hewitt

OMG, her weight is sooooo scrutinized, more so than anyone else. Last Christmas, when those pictures came out about her butt cellulite, people were all over her about how gross she was. But she stood behind her butt and said "I'm a size 2, that's not big!" Which is true. She's gorgeous, she just has a booty, like women of child bearing age are supposed to! Then, now she lost supposedly 18 pounds according to US magazine. But now people are up in arms. I feel so bad for her. She's human. I mean, girls who get made fun of in school for having a big butt become anorexic (like my sister did) so imagine having the WHOLE WORLD talking about your butt. It would be impossible not to do something. Not that she had to, she's gorgeous, but she's human, so I'm sure that she felt that she'd feel better if she striked back.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Leryn Franco-- I'm both in awe and confused...

Jesus. This woman is build like a brick sh*t house. The weird thing about her is that she's not only an athlete but an extreme sex symbol. She qualified (just barely) for the olympics, but she's not necessarily revered for her Javelinesque prowess, she's all over the place for having been in Playboy and appearing topless in some calendar. I believe that everyone should have the choice to do and act in any way that they feel serves them best. And I'm not puritanical or anything and I wouldn't go on a rampage about the purity of the Olympics vs. the raunchiness of being a topless model.
But yet... I can't help but feel somehow disappointed about this. I'm not sure why. I've never felt this way about Gabrielle Reece. She always seemed just athletic and strong. I think that my feelings about Leryn are more about the feminist issue of it. On one level, she seems so strong and amazing but then, she somehow becomes this object by posing so provocatively. It feels confusing, like it's not okay to be strong and feminine at the same time. This isn't a judgment against Leryn or her choices, but it's really just the way I feel about it. Confused. I guess that the media does that to women. A lot.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Weird Day

So, I woke up today and decided that I needed to get a job. I know I know. I've been unemployed for a while, as school has been taking up most of my time, but I decided that working at a coffee shop might be a good thing. I've always been obsessed with Cafe culture, ever since I saw Dreams for an Insomiac. I feel like I must have only been like 12 or 13 when I saw it with my sister. It made me want to grow up and move to Seattle and work in a coffee house. Sometimes I still fantasize about it. Like I'll be working there in my impossibly cute black apron, with my hair pulled back but falling down in tendrils, smoking cigarettes (I don't smoke) while I stand behind the counter reading through my boyfriend (who also works there) his script. Then i give people dirty looks and coffee haphazardly and I'm an impossible hipster who everyone hates because they're so jealous. How come hipsters are always so skinny? I guess it's so they can fit into those skinny jeans. Anyway, so I went to this coffee house to apply for a job and the dreamy but asshole-ish boy behind the counter wouldn't even give me an application. He kind of stared at me in a "you're not cool enough to even fill out an application," way. But he just said, "we're not hiring." And then I stood there stammering and asked if I could fill out an application for them to have on file. He shook his head and said, "there's none left." I still didn't move, just stood there, and he actually walked away over to the cappuccino machine and started cleaning it. I felt so rejected. In this really intense way. Not just cause of the job thing, but because, I don't know. He made me feel like I'm a piece of crap, not worthy of being polite to. It upset me a lot. It happens sometimes I guess.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Still thinking about the boy...

I wish that there was hypnosis to take the ex out of my head. Just the "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind..." Or whatever it's called. I wonder why they put Jim Carey in a movie with Kate Winslet. I really like Kate Winslet. She's pretty great.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Annoying spin teacher pisses me off.

First the good news. I stepped on the scale this morning and I'm down to 189!!!!!!! Yeeeeeeeeah Boeeeeyyyy. (that's my attempt to be cool. did it work?)

I went to a spin class this morning with the most annoying teacher ever. He kept playing this really loud club music and madonna mixes and seemed really disengaged with the class. He didn't even jump on a bike or talk into a mike. He just kind of looked at his watch every few minutes and said: "up." "down." "more resistance." "less resistance." and never even came by to check on everyone. What he mostly did was dance in front of the mirror and practice his moves while flexing his muscles at himself and also he at one point squeezed a blackhead from his nose. There were about 30 people in the studio. It was literally the most annoying class ever. He was supposed to teach a pilates class after but I was all "Later Gator..."
yesterday I didn't work out. I chose not to but I felt really bad about it. I had to force myself not to go to the gym. The hypnosis is really working. It's kind of freaking me out.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Boys Will Be Boys

He called me tonight.





He said that he missed me and wanted to see what I was up to. Also that I was looking good. I was totally annoyed, but also really nervous and freaked out and I don't want to admit it, totally excited to hear from him. I can't stop thinking about him after seeing him with that little twit the other night. I don't know how to make this pain go away. I feel so traumatized. And so elated. How does that happen?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

spinning today, heartbreak tomorrow

It's worse than you might imagine. No, it's worse than you can possibly imagine even if you might imagine the worse.
I went to another spin class. Another spin class.

who do i see at my spin class?

my ex.

let's call him Hasselhoff. Because he's hairy and cheesy and thinks he's larger than life. Anyway, the hoff was there with his girlfriend. Let's call her Tina. Because that's her name. Tina. Tina. Tina.

Tina is, oh, I don't know, 18 years old? And weighs, oh I don't know 85 pounds!? Anyway, they were there TOGETHER. In MY spin class. The Hoff saw me, and I think that he might have whispered something to her because she looked at me in that way when you're pretending not to look, you know, when someone says, "OMG, my ex is right behind you, don't look." And then they pretend that they're looking at the clock? Yeah. That's the look I get. And then she smiled. Not a smile at me. And not a smile at anyone really. It was a smile of smug satisfaction. One that says "i am thinner, younger, and prettier than her...."

My instinct was to leave, but I stayed through the whole thing, but then hopped off really quickly at the end and ran to my car without showering or pulling my bike away. I'm kind of freaking out now. I wonder what I should do. I can't go back. But where will I go to work out. AHHHHHHHHH.

Oh. I know. I'll change gyms. That's what I'll do. I'll change gyms.

There's a part in me that wants to eat over this, but I really think that the hypnosis program is working because I don't feel like it's overwhelming. I feel like I can ride this out. Maybe a glass of wine, a bubble bath and my sex & the city season 6 dvd? I think that might help.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


There's this one download in the think & shrink collection that's supposed to speed your metabolism and lower your set-point. I tried it tonight, but I think that I should have waited till the morning. No one wants your metabolism sped up at night, when i'm trying to fall asleep. Grrr... I think I'll listen to the long one, it's relaxing and will help me sleep. Ultimately, I'd love to have a body like Hayden Panettiere. She's the same height as me and not a skinny minnie, definitely built strong. I think she's pretty awesome. I don't know that it will happen as I don't have her time or the money for personal training. But I can get close I think. I really liked the pilates class I did. I think I'm going to get a DVD for home.
Today I discovered fitday ( I plugged in my food and then looked up the nutrition to see if I was getting all my daily needs. Not quite, but I'm aiming for that. I'm not into counting calories though, that can make me crazy, but I'm impressed by my ability to hit the nutrition.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Saturday morning- did a spin class

So, I decided to go to spin class today. I'd never done it before, but I've been hearing about it forever. My teacher was, I dunno, 4 foot 10 and weighed maybe 85 pounds. She was this tiny little thing but she had these bulging muscles everywhere and she kept on yelling at everyone. She even came up to people and upped their resistance. Thank goodness she didn't do it to me. I might have a girl-crush on her. I also did a pilates class at the gym. It took me by surprise, I never have done pilates before, but it's really simple movements, but definitely effective, I'm kind of achey all over. I never realized all these crazy classes at my gym. There's one called pump 'n dump! I think I'll try that one out. I went to Whole Foods after and bought grass fed beef for dinner and also a bunch of interesting mushrooms. I'm kind of nervous to cook steak and all sorts of crazy looking mushrooms and also some mesclun. I thought it was a 70s drug, but then I learned that that's mescaline. Big difference.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Day 6-- WOW WOW WOW!!!!-- 192 pounds.

So far so good. I weighed in today and I'm down 5 pounds!
Things have been generally good. yesterday my sister told me that the hypnosis kind of sneaks up on you. I was feeling kind of down because I didn't feel like anything dramatic happened. I've dieted before, and I've felt skinny quickly, like after a few days, but I usually do these starvation diets that can last anywhere up to a month, and after a few days I begin to feel so light and so thin and so joyful in a way, but I think it might partially be endorphins from not eating ie: anorexia!? But I haven't been feeling that way. Which I guess is good, but I like that feeling, albeit not healthy. Anyway, I know that I've been eating but eating well, and definitely not binge eating.
I've exercised 3 days this week. I even went to a spin class (my butt hurts). So, basically I think that I'm eating and exercising... well, normally! That's weird. Anyway, I weighed in this morning and I am down. I think that the slow progress is what makes it last. I hope. Anyway, more to be revealed I guess.
In other news, there are now weight loss programs for cats! Who woulda thunk.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Day 1 -- REALLY NOW--- 197 pounds

So, realizing that I was going to start my diet today, I decided to do a little damage last night in the form of a pint of Ben & Jerry's Heath Bar Crunch, a bacon burger with french fries, and a late night snack of some nachos. I know, I know... it's gross. But it's my last time...

I listened to the first recording today... I actually really liked it. I felt really relaxed, and when I woke up, I felt like I was motivated to eat healthy. The directions say that you only have to listen to the recording once a week, there's also a 15 minute recording and it says to listen to that every day.

We'll see. For breakfast I had two scrambled eggs, a banana and a slice of whole wheat toast. I didn't even finish my eggs, and I'm not really hungry for lunch yet. Maybe I'll go out for a walk over to my sisters place to play with the kids.

Day 1-- 194 Pounds

Hi. My name is Lila. I am 24, a student at the University of Minnesota and I have 80 pounds to lose. At 5'0, I have the body of a beautiful round apple, with little legs coming out. Sometimes I think that I look a little like the fruit of the loom guy. Anyway, my sister Adeline did hypnotherapy and lost like 15 pounds in a month. I called to make an appointment, but apparently it's $200 per session. So, instead I downloaded this program to help me. It's only $39.95. We'll see if it works.

Addie has always been blessed as a skinny girl and I've always been the fat one. She gained weight after having my nieces. I gained weight after having life. I don't have kids, or a husband, or a boyfriend, but one thing at a time really. I'm hoping to lose 10 pounds a month for the next 8 months, which will get me to my goal by next spring, in time for my graduation!

I've done every diet. Every diet. Weight Watchers, Atkins, Stillman, Nutri-System, Jenny Craig... all of them. I know everything about nutrition, but nothing seems to fit. I'm hoping that the think and shrink program can help me. It's not a diet, but I guess it makes your brain feel different about food.