Thursday, April 23, 2009

What I've Been Eating Lately

Lots of beer. But not in a depressed, mopey, alcoholic way, more in a drowning my sorrows with my girls. Things have been pretty bad between me and my roommate-- ever since her brother dumped me. He told her that I was obsessive and clingy. 

I just might be. 

When it comes to men, I fall in love really quickly. And when they pay attention to me, I eat it, no I fucking devour it. When I fall in love, I don't eat. I don't need to eat. I just obsess on the other. On what he's doing, on what he's thinking, on what he needs. My therapist said that I reject myself first. And that's how I lose myself. before I give anyone else the opportunity to know the real me. She said that I do that with food too. That I leave myself and binge on food and then no one is minding the store.  That's why I lose so much weight when I'm dating someone. I replace food with sex.  I'm trying to figure out how to me more with me. 

Sunday, April 19, 2009


Swimming fucking rules. I've been swimming like 3 times a week and it's amazing. I've been doing 50 laps wearing these hand paddles and these flippers. I'm doing it half for fitness but also because it's the one thing that's been getting my mind off of Doctor Dickhead. That's my ex's name btw. But we can just call him DD for short. I can't help but think that he ended things with me because of the things I'll never be. I'll never be tall, skinny, rich, sophisticated, I'll never be a doctor's wife type. I'll never be the girl who gets manicures and pedicures every week. I'll never have a Gucci or Prada or Coach or Mark Jacobs purse (even though sometimes I secretly want one), I'll never eat like a bird or talk in a nasal long island accent, I'll never be who I'm not. I wouldn't want to though. But still. I can't help it. I miss him. Terribly.

Monday, April 6, 2009

2009- It's been a long year already

So, since the year started, I've gotten a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend, gotten two root canals, started training for a half marathon, lost 10 pounds, bought a pair of designer jeans, got in touch with m estranged father, had to move out of my house because of my roommate, her brother and what happened between us. And oh yeah, i got pregnant and had an abortion. That really sucked. Will try to start blogging again. Been a little... distracted.