Monday, September 29, 2008

Lila Lost 2 Pounds and Lila Met a Boy!

I could just end this post right here, but I'll expound slightly. I stepped on the scale on Saturday morning because I felt light, and I said I'll only step on the scale when I was feeling light. So I did because I did. And I'm down 2 more pounds. That's 17 pounds down since I started the Think & Shrink program. Not bad for two months. Saturday night I went to an Irish bar with my girlfriend Erin and her new flame Wil. Wil brought his friend Albert, a computer programmer from San Diego (who moves to Minnesota from San Diego?) Anyway, Albert the programmer was dreamy dreamy dreamy. He has these big blue eyes that look like the sky and he has silver hair! Silver hair! And he's only 28. It's so sexy. Anyway, we're going out on Wednesday. I'm so excited.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Back on the Horse...

Or the bicycle! So to speak. I woke up this morning and did a spin class and put yesterday behind me. The problem with the spin class though is that no matter how fast you go or how long you go for, you don't really move forward. I did some healthy food shopping and listened to the metabolism boosting segment of the think & shrink program. Geez, that one is crazy. Everytime I listen to it, I feel like I'm all hopped up on espresso. I think it totally works. Though it's a little freaky. Gotta text from the ex. He's so weird. Everytime he sees me he needs to follow it up with a text message. I think he's a manipulative prick. He wants me to never get over him. Once again, I think it's time for me to start dating again. My goal for the weekend to put my profile on match or something and get at least one date. My kittens are going crazy chasing a fly. It's pretty cute.

Oh I had such a bad day

I woke up and it was a beautiful day so I decided to go on a nice long bike ride before class. But my front tire was flat. So I went to pump it when I discovered a full on gash in my tire! So annoying! So I decided to go on a run. After about, I don't know, let's say 2 1/2 minutes of running, I tripped over a stick. A STICK! And fell and scraped up my knee and my hand. I was bleeding pretty bad, so I limped on home. Then, my roommate was standing in the kitchen IN HER UNDERWEAR! with her boyfriend, WHO WAS IN HIS UNDERWEAR! And they were eating honey smacks, just standing there in their skivvies with the cereal bowls in their hands just staring at me. And my roommate weighs, oh, i don't know 4 pounds, and she just stood there looking all sexy watching me coyly and her boyfriend finally said, "dude, are you okay?" and I screamed, "no i'm not fucking okay, i think i broke my knee and my hand too!" and then I started crying. And they LAUGHED at me. And I said, "why are you laughing at me?!" and then I couldn't stop crying. It sucked. Anyway. eventually I cleaned myself up and I don't think that I broke my hand and my knee. But I was bleeding and it really hurt. So then I went to class and I was late and my professor totally gave me the eye and then she made a comment to me later about whether or not I was committed. It was so awful. So then I went home and cried again, and then, for the first time since I started doing the hypnosis, I binged. Yup. First time in almost 8 weeks. I binged. And not on anything good. On chickpeas. I binged on chickpeas. I ate 3 cans of chickpeas. My first binge and it's on chickpeas. Oh well. The good things was that I didn't continue the binge. I tuned out and watched tv to relax. But then, I went to the library and of course I see the ex there. He looked at me and turned around and walked the other way. It really sucked. I sat and cried in the Technology & Applied Sciences section.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I've Found The Fountain of Youth

I've been taking a teaspoon of cod liver oil every day. I'm drinking the lemon flavored one, so it's easy to get down. Anyway, I've noticed a lot of differences. First off, my mood is calm most of the time, second off, my skin is completely clear now. Third off, I feel energized most of the day. I recommend it like crazy!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

2 all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun

I knew that song before I ever ate a big mac. In fact, I must admit, I've never eaten a Big Mac. A Quarter Pounder, yes. Chicken McNuggets. Oui! Even an Arch Deluxe. But a Big Mac. No. And maybe I never will. I have no cravings for the burger, but I certainly did have a craving for the commercial. But I couldn't find the one that I liked. But I did find this one, from when I was a year old! But the great one was the one that I found from way before I was born... Okay, but that didn't disturb me as much as this. How come no one ever talks about how creepy Ronald McDonald is?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Weighed today...

I didn't want to step on the scale this morning, but I did and my weight is down to 182 pounds! Holy Moly. That's 15 whole pounds that I've lost. I feel a little nervous about the scale though, like I don't want to continue to use it because I don't want it to dictate how I feel about myself. I don't know if that makes sense. But sometimes, I feel like it tells me whether or not I'm allowed to be happy for the day. What if I were to step on it and it said 183. Would I be depressed? I can tell you right now that I would be. I think that I'm gonna try to not weigh myself every day, but only when I feel like I've lose weight. Only when I feel thinner. That way, I can try to train myself out of using the scale and into trusting and loving myself. Went for a run this morning. That was good. I also painted my toenails and washed my hair and flossed my teeth. It made me feel more clean and more beautiful. It's a really beautiful day out today. I'm suposed to go to the last barbecue of the season. Today is the last official day of summer so my friend Julie is having a last official day of summer barbecue. Love it. It's easy to spend time at her place because she always stockss stuff like garden burgers and fruit salads and humus and veggies and all sorts of healthy stuff. She's one of those naturally thin people who's never been fat, never had an eating disorder and totally loves her body. She goes hiking and swimming and is full of muscles and long, lean and always calm. Sometimes I want to be her.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Obesity Epedemic and Little Kids

I read this article this morning about children as young as 5 having heart attacks and strokes because of high cholesterol and obesity. Is this real or is this the typical American scare tactics, like fat is some kind of Osama Bin Laden stealthy little sucker just waiting in the closets to attack us. There's so much debate and questioning about why this exists. And the fact that it's called an Epidemic takes the responsibility away from the individual, as though obesity is attacking us without warning, sneaking up on us. Why are we so fat? I know why I became overweight. Because I ate too much. I ate too much because I was sad. I was because, well, because I was overweight... why was I overweight? I ate too much. I think it started with my parents divorce. I felt so lonely and depressed. I would come home and my sister wouldn't be home, or if she was, she'd be on the phone with her friends. So then I'd dig into the oreos and milk and lay on my belly in front of the tv and watch Woody Woodpecker and eat a bag of oreos. A bag of oreos almost every day after school. It soothed me. It made me feel better. I'm not sure about this addictive, sedative effect of processed food. It is something that made me feel safe and secure in the past. Eating was always consistent, alway there, food always had the same effect. It always worked to make me feel better.

Now it's different. Now I'm reaching out for new things, like exercise, which certainly does help me feel better, or also a warm bath with Dr. Bronners lavendar soap which smells nice and relaxes me, sometimes I listen to the think & shrink on my ipod, the long version and that's incredibly relaxing, I find lots of things that are consisitent like the way food used to make me feel. Food at some point ceased to make me feel better and has just made me feel worse. When I eat (in a binging addictive way) I feel bad about myself. I feel uncomfortable. I feel full and sick.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

It's time I start dating

Me and the ex have been apart for awhile now. I got fat while mourning after him. That's fine. I was fat before, but I got bigger because after we broke up I sat around and ate. A lot. I gained about 20 pounds in 6 months. And then I became obsessed with losing it so I could start dating again. And that diet made me gain another 10 pounds.

I can't wait to get thin so I can start to date. I'm lonely. I'm tired of being alone. So I need to just start and date and not wait to lose it. I'd love to date someone and think that it's okay to let him love me when I'm at that size. Can I love myself at this size? I'd like to. My kittens love me. They love my fat too. They knead all over my belly.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Skinny What!?

I've been thinking about this website whose purpose is to point out celebrities and ponder about whether they have lost weight, gained weight, are too skinny, too fat, not toned enough, too toned, wearing this wearing that. It doesn't have cruel comments persay, but it encourages readers to scrutinize and criticize celebrity bodies. It's quite popular apparently because each entry has tons of comments from people saying things like "ick, she's fat," or "gross thighs, not toned." For people like Reese Witherspoon...

This is the kind of thing that makes not just superstars anorexic, but non-stars. It's so hypercritical and judgmental. Women need to stick together and love their bodies, not hate their bodies! And love their bodies no matter what. Love your body because it's strong. Love your body because it's healthy. Love your body because it's resilient. But don't hate your body because it's fat. You did that, your body didn't. Your body reacts to the way you treat it. If you treat it with loving kindness, kind words, kind thoughts, kind actions, it will reward you with being healthy and feeling good. If you treat it badly, with bad thoughts, bad food, punative exercise, starving, pills, drugs, hate words, it will treat you with aches, pains, and by breaking down. These kinds of websites teach people to be critical not just of their own bodies, but of other people's bodies. What right do people have to be hateful and criticize others for the way they look? It makes me really angry and sad.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

6 Weight loss tips from Bill Winch

provided by Bill Winch:

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #1: Exercise
You knew this would be at the top. It is extremely important to participate in some sort of aerobic exercise for least 30 minutes each day. For me, it's riding a bike 4 miles a day, rain or shine without exception. I make it fun by riding with a friend, or listening to my favorite music on my IPOD. Don't just do it for one day and then give up. The more you get out there and do it, the more you will enjoy it.

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #2: Meal Replacement
Everyone I help to maintain weight follows the same routine I do. I replace one high-calorie meal a day with an all-natural soy-based protein shake. This allows us to get all the nutrition we need on a daily basis without eating as many calories as we did when we were overweight. For me, it's the first meal I eat when I wake up in the morning so I never forget or become too busy to eat properly.

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #3: Keep A Food Log
When you write down everything that you passes your lips, you can be honest about your weight. If you look on your list and see too many junk foods, you know what you have to do to make that list shorter the next day so you can get back on track. This is extremely helpful for me at night when I feel the urge to snack while watching a movie. This is the worst time you can eat, so avoid it at all costs.

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #4: Make Healthier Food Choices
This doesn't mean you have to give up on all the foods you love. It just means that if they are high-calorie/salt/fat foods like pizza and fettucini alfredo, you must limit your intake. Choose lean proteins for no less than half of your weekly meals instead of rotating between things that are crispy, fried or smothered with high calorie toppings. Fish, chicken and filet are all healthy alternatives.

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #5: Drink Lots Of Water
This is extremely important because your body cannot function properly when it is dehydrated. Many times people think they are starving when all they really need is a nice cool glass of water. Keep a bottle full of cold water with you at all times. Who cares if it takes you a little extra time to keep it filled? It's better than spending time eating junk food you really don't need that will sabotage all of your hard work and efforts.

Healthy Weight Maintenance Tips #6: Drink Green Tea
Remember when I said I woke up every morning and drank a soy-based protein shake for breakfast? Well, there is one thing I do before that and it is drinking a hot cup of herbal green tea. Not only is this a super-healthy drink that provides all kinds of vitamins and minerals, but it actually suppresses your appetite while speeding up your metabolism! How awesome is that? Oh, and I almost forgot. It also gives you tons of energy! I usually drink 3 cups a day.

When you lose weight and want to keep it off for good, follow these six healthy weight maintenance tips and you will find yourself on the right path to having enough enthusiasm to maintain an ideal weight for yourself. Just think about it like this: If you gained weight by eating junk food, and you lost weight by eating right, you're obviously going to gain it all back if you start eating junk food again.

When you have a strong reason to lead a healthy lifestyle, you won't want to go back to old habits.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Trying to feel normal...

Normal is s funny thing. Normal about food is weird. What does it mean to feel normal around food? Does it mean to be obsessed with food? Neutral about food? Or somewhere in the middle. I have spent most of my life being obsessed with food. My desire, and my reason for trying the weight loss hypnosis program is to completely change the way I feel about food. I want to think that food is there to nurture me. But only in a physical way, not in an emotional way. I think that for most of my life I looked to food to help soothe me and calm my nerves and heal my wounds. I would sit alone in my room with a box of cocoa krispies. I don't know why cocoa krispies. I think I thought it would heal everything. It healed nothing, but it felt good. It soothed me. It kept me safe. Safe. It's incredible how food can be so safe and so unsafe at the same time.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Still grey and raining outside, still getting bright and less blue inside

The good news is that I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another pound. I've never lost weight so slowly and so consistently in my life. It might take me 80 weeks to lose 80 pounds, but at least I know that it will last and the changes will stick. I'm now at 182.6. I can't tell quite yet, my body doesn't look different. But I feel generally hopeful. I'm still taking the cod liver oil. I feel as though it's had an enormous effect on my mood. I feel less anxious generally and I think that my skin is looking good too. First I was taking a tablespoon a day, then I read that you can't eat that much because of vitamin A poisoning. Anyhow... things are looking up. I didn't even think all that much about the boy yesterday.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


I'm really sad tonight. The hurricane in Houston is so sad. All these people losing their homes. I've been praying for days. Also, I read on the news that 10 people were killed and over 100 injured on a commuter train in L.A. I hate it when humans get hurt. It pains me to the depths.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Holy Crap... Polyvore makes my woes go away!

I found this AWESOME new website called Polyvore. Holy moly, it's the best thing ever. There are literally millions of different outfits that you can create. I'm gonna make a bunch so that when I reach my goal weight, I can buy the outfits. It's so fun!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Party Time...

Oh it's that time of year when parties galore happen. It's all about fall and pumpkins and beer and warm fresh donuts and all that. I just left a party. I just didn't want to be there. It's rainy and yucky out and I have no desire to sit around drinking and eating and then trying to get home. And I saw the boy. Oh him. He makes me so miserable. If I had any appetite that the hypnosis hasn't taken away yet, then he definitely did. Because I got totally nauseous when I saw him. I was lingering near the chip bowl. Pondering. I didn't have any chips. I saw him walk in. He was alone. It sucked. He walked right over to Jemma, a girl he dated after we broke up. He glanced over at me and I suddenly felt totally stupid. I wasn't talking to anyone. I was just standing there over the dumb chips. Suddenly I didn't feel as confident as I'd been feeling. I felt totally fat. My thighs were like 850 pounds each and as I backed away from the chip bowl, I felt them rubbing together, the friction feeling painful, wondering if I had a heat rash. I felt like a mac truck backing up and wondered if I should say "beep-beep-beep..." And that's when I left. I didn't even say goodbye to Iris, my friend who I came with. I just left her there. I'm home now. I'm trying to relax, breathe, think good thoughts about myself...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

High Fructose Corn Syrup is WHAT for you?

Holy Moly, have you seen the High Fructose Corn Syrup commercials about how it's good for you? It's natural? It comes from corn? It's pretty nuts. There's been research for years about how bad it is for bodies. According to the Weston Price Organization "Pure fructose contains no enzymes, vitamins or minerals and robs the body of its micronutrient treasures in order to assimilate itself for physiological use.7 While naturally occurring sugars, as well as sucrose, contain fructose bound to other sugars, high fructose corn syrup contains a good deal of "free" or unbound fructose. Research indicates that this free fructose interferes with the heart’s use of key minerals like magnesium, copper and chromium. Among other consequences, HFCS has been implicated in elevated blood cholesterol levels and the creation of blood clots. It has been found to inhibit the action of white blood cells so that they are unable to defend the body against harmful foreign invaders." According to several studies with rats, fructose consistently produces higher kidney calcium concentrations than glucose. Fructose generally induces greater urinary concentrations of phosphorus and magnesium and lowered urinary pH compared with glucose. Read, it sucks. It's bad for you. It's worse than sucrose or beet sugar or anything like that. In fact, since it's introduction into modern foods in the late 70's and early 80's, people have become more obese in this country. I'm so angry at this propoganda. It's just ridiculous.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Ted Nugent hates fat people

Apparently, Ted Nugent thinks that fat people are a pox upon the planet. "In an interview with Anthony Bourdain, Nugent says, "Obesity is a manifestation of a cultural its most vulgar and displeasing-to-look-at form. And it's suicide as a lifestyle."

But I guess that anyone who is this sexy has the right to judge everyone else.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

It's working!

I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another 2 pounds! I'm 184 now, which leaves me with just another 67 pounds to go... ugh.. but the good news is, I'm down 13 pounds! That's a lucky number.

The weight loss is a great thing, but actually, the hypnosis is really working now. I've been listening to the program on my ipod a lot more frequently lately (like sometimes even twice a day!)
and I've noticed that I'm beginning to feel a lot more neutral around food. For example, I was at a party last night and there were chips and chocolate and cupcakes and beer all over the place. I saw them, but I didn't even consider it, and it wasn't a struggle. It felt like it felt back when I was a vegetarian, I just didn't register it as an option. I wasn't hungry and so I didn't eat. I did want a drink though so I chose to drink a beer (not even a lite beer) and I drank it slowly and didn't even finish it. I felt like I was so much more engaged in talking to people and I was feeling totally confident and happy so it was a lot easier than it has in the past. I felt so totally transformed. It was amazing. It's the kind of feeling that I hope will stay for the rest of my life.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Pilates can make you hot

Whoah. Pilates is weird, it's unlike doing crunches, but today I noticed that my stomach (though still flabbly) looks like, like there's armor underneath. So far so good, enjoying exercise. I think that the cod liver oil is helpful.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Is food a habit or a hunger thing?

I think it's a habit. My roommates left cookies on the kitchen table and i noticed that I was eating them. That was weird. I stopped the second I noticed, that's another good thing about the hypnosis is that I'm more mindful.  If I think about it, I notice that I'm not always hungry when I'm eating, sometimes I just need to fill time or space or I'm thinking about something that I don't want to, so I start to chow. Oh well. It's good to notice so I can stop before too much damage is done. 

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Weighed today...

So I'm down to 186. That's down another pound this week. Weekend was good, full of barbecues and swimming and friends back in town. Which was so great. I'm looking forward to feeling less lonely. In other news, I started taking cod liver oil today. I know that sounds gross, but supposedly it helps with mood. I guess I'll see.