Latkes of Fun!

It's nine degrees out. That's almost no degrees. Imagine that. Barely any degrees. Last night I went to a latke party. Imagine, a party that centered around deep fried potatoes. I wish that I'd taken pictures. Erin made piles and piles and piles of latkes and had different latke stations. There was a south western latke station-- these were sweet potato latkes served with black bean dip, salsa and cilantro dip. An chinese latke station with soy sauce/ green onion dip. An Indian latke station where the latkes were curry flavored and there was mango chutney other kinds of chutneys. An mid eastern latke station with humus and tahini and babaganoush. And finally a plain old latke station with sour cream and apple sauce. She also had made Manishevitz Sangria. It was delicious. I was really, really, really nervous about going to this party. Holiday parties are tough, but ones that are all about eating the most fattening, artery clogging food ever invented, well that's damn near impossible. I knew that I needed a plan. So, before I went I listened to the think and shrink recording twice, and then I wrote down my plan. I was allowed to have 2 whole latkes and 2 whole drinks. That's all nothing else. If I thought that I was going to be needing more or wanting more, I would walk outside and do some deep breathing and see myself at my goal weight, see myself feeling healthy and fitting into a bikini next summer. I also made a goal of talking to five new people. I also called my sister ahead of time and let her know my plan so she told me that she'd be available by phone all night if I needed her. She even sent me several texts with encouraging messages, like "you are healthy and strong!" "your deserve a healthy body" "you know how to eat normally!" The party was fine. I stuck to my plan. I wanted to try all the latkes so I cut them in half and wound up trying four different kinds. I forwent the chinese latkes deciding that those weren't as interesting as the others. Anyway, the party went totally well. I didn't need to leave once, having the plan worked well. I made lots of conversation and talked to people who I hadn't ever met before. It was great. The other thing is that it certainly didn't hurt that Erin and Rob and Jessica and Lisa and Steve and Ashely all pulled me aside and told me how great I looked and asked me how much weight I'd lost. It was pretty aweseome. I felt so pretty too. I was wearing a new pair of jeans and this very pretty satiny flowy red blouse. I was shocked but when I went shopping, I was actually down 4 sizes! I couldn't believe it. I think that feeling pretty and getting all those compliments definitely helped. I know that I'm still 50 pounds overweight, but feeling pretty is such an amazing help for my mood. I think that I need to spend more time doing things that make me feel pretty, like tweezing my brows, shaving my legs, giving myself manicures and pedicures and putting on lipstick. Feeling pretty helps me to feel happy, healthy, and worthy. It makes me feel like I'm worthy of love and attention. Before, when I was binge eating, I didn't feel worthy. I hid in big clothes and didn't care for my body and didn't do things like dress pretty or do my nails or anything. Now, I spend more time trying to do those things. It's all connected somehow, binge eating, a sense of worthiness and self care. I think that when I don't feel good about myself, I binge eat, when I binge eat, I feel worse about myself, when I feel worse about myself, I binge eat again. It's a vicious cycle. The only way to deal with it is to actually PULL myself out of it, kicking and screaming. It's hard, but it's possible. If I do lapse and have a binge, I have to remember that my body deserves love. This has been very helpful with the hypnosis downloads. I have to remember that I am worth taking care of, even if I mess up sometimes -- hey, I'm human! I can feel pretty and be happy and take care of myself even if I am 50 pounds overweight. None of that matters, it's what I feel on the inside. Of course I've heard this before, but I'm somehow actually beginning to feel it now.

I'm grateful, thankful and I'm happy.

I love to blog. But I've been somewhat lackadaisical since my semester has gotten underway. I am going to change that. I'm going to make at least an hour each day to blog. That's my Thanksgiving resolution.
I weighed myself yesterday morning for the first time in weeks. I was so happy I nearly cried. 172 pounds. I have lost a grand total of 25 pounds since I started the Think and Shrink program. My clothes are pretty baggy, I feel strong, and I feel determined. Only 55 more pounds to go! I can't believe it. I feel amazing. Thanksgiving was good. I've been feeling pretty low since it ended with Al. I know that it was only a month long relationship, but even though it was so quick, I really thought that he was the one. Since he dumped me, I've been feeling so lonely, so miserable. Like I'll never find anyone who will ever love me again. My skinny roommate and her skinny boyfriend continue to rub it in my face, walking around the house hand-in-hand, passionate noises from her room constantly, and looking at each other like they're the only people in the world who exist. It makes me feel more lonely. I also found that Al was dating this other friend of my friend Erin. Already! I thought that he was mine. I thought we had something special and I was totally wrong.
But I'm not going to obsess about that right now. Right now I'm going to talk about what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that Thanksgiving was awesome. My mom had about 30 people over! Me and my brother and sister, brother in law and nieces all got there on Wednesday and started cooking at 8am Wednesday morning. It was amazing. My nieces are so cute and being around them make me feel so blessed and happy. They are just amazing to watch. Everything is exciting to them. Children are such a blessing.
I ate lots of turkey and brussels sprouts and also lots of cranberry sauce. Also I ate just a bit of pumpkin pie. But that's kind of it. I didn't over eat and I still ran around with my nieces and got lots of exercise. I'm so grateful for my amazing family. I'm also grateful for my cute, low rent house and for my incredibly sweet roommate and her nice boyfriend (even though they can be annoying), I'm grateful for the cats and for my health. My life is good. I must remember that as much as I can.