The Victoria's Secret Bombshell Bra is Obscene

Not in a prudish way. In an obscene way. I went to Vicky's S to buy some new bras today. My bras no longer fit me. They are stretched out and hold nothing in and my boobs just kind of flop around in my bra cups. Anyway, the bombshell collection, - the New! Miraculous Pushup Bra boasts that it gives you an increase in 2 cup sizes. I couldn't stop myself from trying it on.

The results-- a little bit too much of a miracle. Not recommended. My boobs were gigantic, round, voluptuous--- it looked so wrong. I walked out of the dressing room and the sales girl almost laughed, but stopped herself. I looked like a 12 year old with a stuffed bra. It might not be the right bra for a 5 foot tall girl.

I truly love Autumn

I don't know why, but it's always been my favorite time of year. There's something so comforting and cozy about it, with the holidays coming, and everything beginning to hibernate. I love the trees changing colors, I love weather changing, I love it all.

Things have been pretty good. In terms of dating, well... I didn't quite make my quota of ten dates this summer. I decided to take a little break from internet dating. After the fourth, I began to feel... I don't know. Lonely I think. It's really hard to sit there with someone who doesn't know me, and I have this belief that I have to impress them, or put my best foot forward. It's too much. I don't want to have to impress anyone, and I don't want to put myself out there for judgement, I just want to be myself. A person I feel good about when I'm not on internet dates. So, for now, I'm on an internet dating hiatus and just concentrating on other things.

As for my other goals for the summer, I never made it to running 10 miles, but I've gotten up to seven! I only did that once, but I've been doing around 3-4 miles 5 days a week and I love it. My body feels strong and healthy. As of Sunday morning, I'm down to 135 pounds! That's 62- count em 62 pounds in 15 months! I can't believe it. Oddly enough, my bmi still says I'm overweight, I have to be 128 pounds before my bmi becomes an even 25-- normal weight. But, I'm not going to put too much faith in the bmi, there is so much criticism of it anyway. I like my body. I've been this small before, like those days when I wasn't eating any carbs, or the days when I was just eating lettuce, but before, I got down here not in 15 months, but in like 2 or 3 months by doing extreme things and as soon as I stopped, I'd balloon up again. It just wasn't sustainable, but this feels sustainable.

People treat me differently. I fucking hate that. My sister says that I carry myself differently and that's why people treat me differently. I don't know if that's 100% true. I think it might be half true. The other problem is that a lot of my friends from last year, aren't really hanging around much anymore. I can talk about that more later, but a girlfriend of mine said that since I lost weight, I've been really stuck up. It made me cry. I really try to never be mean or stuck up. But then, I notice that I have other people (girls) being interested in being friends with me. That's the other weird thing about losing weight, I thought I'd get more male attention, but instead I'm getting more female attention. Women in my classes who didn't really talk to me before are asking me to coffee, wanting to hang out, inviting me to parties, it's odd. Some come right out and ask me "how I did it," but others, it's just inexplicable. It's like I'm someone completely new who they want to meet. Hello, I've been here all along!

As far as buying a pair of designer jeans, I did go to the store and try on a pair of 7s and a pair of True Religion. I decided that I can't digest paying $200 for a pair of jeans. It makes no sense in my world and those jeans weren't really anymore cute than my hand-me-down Levis from the goodwill. So, it is what it is.

Whip It!

Today I saw whip it which is this totally empowering chick flick starring Ellen Page (from Juno) and Marcia Gay Harden. Drew Barrymore directed and acted in it. She's a great director, but a really bad actress, so I'm happy that she really was barely in it. Anything with her performing is pretty painful. I don't usually like chick flicks but this one was great. all different shapes and sizes and girls kicking ass. nice.

Date #2

So, my second date was definitely not as bad as my first. The cool thing is that he's a graduate student in physics. The uncool thing is that we had our date the day before the fourth of July which incited a very unsexy conversation about the velocity of fireworks. This conversation did not end. He was absolutely Forrest Gumpian about fireworks. My eyes basically glazed over. He was nice enough though. We took a nature walk and had a picnic, which was totally romantic. But a physicist isn't the Lothario that one would expect. He was really quite boring. If he asks me out, I'll probably go out with him again... Give him another chance.

In other news, I want to talk about my weight. Since I started this process, I am down 45.2 pounds exactly. I weigh 148.8 pounds now. My BMI is 30.1- which, according to the bmi charts, makes me just slightly obese. Now, here's my thing. The first 40 pounds really fell off and I did very little other than being conscious and mindful and listening to the download. There was no dieting, no hardcore exercising, no deprivation, none of that. But since then, I've really stabilized. I still have a good 25-30 pounds that I need to lose just to be at a healthy weight, but my weight seems to have settled. I'm not sure where to go from here. I've completely stopped binge eating thanks to the hypnosis... but I'm wondering what else I must do. I'm contemplating a diet of sorts, but I know that diets don't work and cause me to binge. I have to reconsider. I'll talk about it once I think about it some more. For now, I'm just going to continue as I am.

Date number One. Oh my.

I'm actually on summer break. I can't believe it. My break only lasts a few weeks. But that's cool. I don't mind.

I went on my first official internet date! But. I wouldn't exactly call it a success. The boy, first off was the same height as me. Now. it's not really in my nature to be a judgmental or critical. But. here's the thing. I am barely five feet tall. And I would love to have my boyfriend be at least 5'2". I hope that this doesn't make me come off as a bitch. He wrote on his profile that he was 5'4". But... not so much.

But honestly, when I saw him, i thought he was cute. And I thought that I needed to get over it. So I went out with him. We went to a vegetarian restaurant, where he espoused the need completely disconnect oneself with anything that might minutely harm the enviornment. Which.. basically included eating at all. He drank water and ate nothing but a bowl of fruit. FOR DINNER!!!!!!!!
And he grilled the waitress about how the fruit was harvested, how they acquired the fruit, whether or not it was organic or local. Oh. My. God. It was mind boggling.
Now, here's the thing.

he actually criticized my weight.

He said that I didn't look this big in my picture. But he was generally kind.

Sparks? No. Will I go out with him again? Never.

But as a first experience. Well. At least I've started.

A little extra padding

I wasn't sure how to describe myself physically on my online profile.  there's not a whole lot of good choices. You can't say "who cares?" or "fat and proud." It's all quite annoying. I've been agonizing over my profile. I don't know quite how to put it all out there. I've never really online dated before. I'm a pretty private person. I once went out on a date with a guy that I met on craigslist, but it was because I bought his futon. Then he helped me christen it. 

Trying to Come Back

It's summer. It's beautiful. It's time for me to forget winter and go forward. 

Tonight, I put my profile on match.com. I'm nervous but excited. 

I haven't gone out in months. I'm all alone on a Saturday night and I'm over it.

On the upside, my weight has changed dramatically. Since last August, when I began this journey, 

I've lost 44 pounds. That puts me at 154 pounds, which puts my BMI at just a bit over 30! Which means that if I lose just a few more pounds, I will no longer be put in the "clinically obese" category. Which will be really fucking nice when I go to the doctor. Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!!!!

And I love that I've been totally healthy the whole time. I've slipped up with some binges, and some nights of too much alcohol and not enough food. But for the most part, I've been really attuned to the needs of my body. And I feel better physically than I ever have. 

My summer goals are: 

1.)Run 10 miles. 

2.)Go out on 10 dates

3.)Save up, fit into, and buy a pair of designer jeans! Don't know if that will happen... but I would love to fit into a pair of True Religion or Seven Jeans. They are so cool. Maybe by August?  

4.)Move into a new place. 

5.)Get a job.

Pasta Slim-- yum!

I found the greatest new product. PASTA SLIM! It's not really pasta, it's like tofu all noodled up and only 50 calories and 10 carbs and 6 grams of fiber for a giant bowl of it. It's pretty awesome. Totally recommend. I got it at a food co-op, but the where to buy link is here. 

Allison Sweeney's a hottie

I was watching The Biggest Loser earlier this evening. Now, here's the thing, I tuned into TBL to check out Jillian a little bit more, but I've become obsessed with Allison Sweeney. First off, she's totally pretty, but she's not a skinny minnie. She's definitely curvy and voluptuous. Really amazing. I am so happy that they don't have a Lindsay Lohan or even a Jessica Alba type. I mean obviously Lilo is totally ANA, but Jessica is what everyone wants to be and I still think she's totally unattainable. I think that Allison is just great. She's curvy, she actually has body fat and she's a real woman. I love that!!!!  

Jillian Anderson is out of her fucking mind. She is wretched. I think she's mean and fatophobic. I really do. I don't like her one bit. I'll elaborate more tomorrow. I think I might try her dumb DVD again. 

30 Day Shred

Ugh, so I've joined the masses and started doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. Thing is, I don't think it's super good for my health. I started doing level 1 last week. I only had 15 pound weights, which were not good. Too heavy. So then I started using containers of soy milk (32 oz. so 2 pounds each). Better, but still, the weirdest thing happened... from all the up and down, I wound up getting vertigo. I was totally dizzy, but it lasted for days. Finally, I started again today and when I was doing the jumping rope, i literally heard my knees popping and snapping. Very annoying. So I stopped. I wanted to get through 30 days, but I think it might be a hazardous workout, at least for my body it is. I don't want to ruin my knees doing a workout like this. 

What I've Been Eating Lately

Lots of beer. But not in a depressed, mopey, alcoholic way, more in a drowning my sorrows with my girls. Things have been pretty bad between me and my roommate-- ever since her brother dumped me. He told her that I was obsessive and clingy. 

I just might be. 

When it comes to men, I fall in love really quickly. And when they pay attention to me, I eat it, no I fucking devour it. When I fall in love, I don't eat. I don't need to eat. I just obsess on the other. On what he's doing, on what he's thinking, on what he needs. My therapist said that I reject myself first. And that's how I lose myself. before I give anyone else the opportunity to know the real me. She said that I do that with food too. That I leave myself and binge on food and then no one is minding the store.  That's why I lose so much weight when I'm dating someone. I replace food with sex.  I'm trying to figure out how to me more with me. 

Swimmin...

Swimming fucking rules. I've been swimming like 3 times a week and it's amazing. I've been doing 50 laps wearing these hand paddles and these flippers. I'm doing it half for fitness but also because it's the one thing that's been getting my mind off of Doctor Dickhead. That's my ex's name btw. But we can just call him DD for short. I can't help but think that he ended things with me because of the things I'll never be. I'll never be tall, skinny, rich, sophisticated, I'll never be a doctor's wife type. I'll never be the girl who gets manicures and pedicures every week. I'll never have a Gucci or Prada or Coach or Mark Jacobs purse (even though sometimes I secretly want one), I'll never eat like a bird or talk in a nasal long island accent, I'll never be who I'm not. I wouldn't want to though. But still. I can't help it. I miss him. Terribly.

2009- It's been a long year already

So, since the year started, I've gotten a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend, gotten two root canals, started training for a half marathon, lost 10 pounds, bought a pair of designer jeans, got in touch with m estranged father, had to move out of my house because of my roommate, her brother and what happened between us. And oh yeah, i got pregnant and had an abortion. That really sucked. Will try to start blogging again. Been a little... distracted.  

I'm not a crackhead, but a machead.

It's been a whirlwind since New Years, I've been traveling back and forth to New York City to see my boyfriend. Oh my god. I can't believe I have a boyfriend. Jonathan is my roommate's brother. He is a med student at Columbia in New York. I've been ecstatic for weeks. We've been going back and forth to see each other, but I've been trepidatious about saying anything because, well, usually I meet a boy and I kiss him or even do the nasty with him and then I totally fall in love with him and obsess over him while he completely rejects me. But so I was really into him and I was trying not to obsess, but the funny thing is, he didn't reject me. He came back to see me, then he bought me a plane ticket to come see him! I've been to New York twice in the past 7 weeks! I'm just completely excited. I've always wanted to move to New York, but he wants to do his residency in Minneapolis, so... things might be different than I've always thought. I don't know. Too early to think about this stuff now. Food is good. I've not gotten on the scale, but I'm a size 14!!!!!!!!!!!! I've never been this small. And I think I'm still going down. Exercise is still happening and I'm mostly eating low carb, whole foods. I'm pretty gloriously happy.

Do they just think that us women of size hate ourselves that much?

I am livid. LIVID!!!!!!! I entered a sweepstakes to win a $1000 giftcard from  a plus sized clothing store called Silhouettes. Then I went to the store and found that the models were TINY. Why, why, why, why, why would they use tiny models to sell clothes to women of size? That's just insulting. And I don't mean tiny as in size 12 or size 14, but I mean tiny like size 2 or 4. I'm totally outraged and upset. Do they think that we don't like to look at ourselves? That we think that there is something wrong with us? So we need a mirror that's someone half our size? It's not cool. It makes me so angry. 

The need or the idea that to be thin is to be happy or perfect is like a virus that's infected  this whole country. People need to be cured of this virus. Myself included. I'm not saying that I want to be unhealthy, I want to be healthy but not just physically, mentally too, so if I'm fit and healthy and still a size 18, I can still love myself and look at myself lovingly in the mirror, not look at what I might be or what I should be. I'm totally mad. 

The Most Delicious Soup

I invented soup tonight. I call it soup. I dunno. I didn't come up with a name for it.
First I steamed the fuck out of a head of cauliflower and a big old broccoli stalk, then, when it was all falling apart, I put them in the blender with 2 cups of unsweetened almond milk. I then put in a bunch of raw garlic cloves and some salt. It was way, way too garlicy, so I added another two cups of water and cooked it to relax the garlic and added all the broccoli and the califlower pieces and cooked it and it is yummy. All full of vitamins and protein from the almond milk and fiber. Yay! Soup soup soup. I love soup. I'm trying to learn how to cook, but I can't follow a recipe, never have been able to, so I'm just experimenting. Kind of fun.

25 Random Facts About Me

For fun. 

1.)My mom almost named me Jane Lila instead of Lila Jane, but decided at the last minute to switch it, to my Dad's surprise- literally she gave the name to the doctor for my birth certificate!

2.)I started smoking cigarettes when I was 12 and quit when I was 22. I hate cigarettes. but i miss them.

3.)My kittens aren't really mine, they're my roommates, but they like me better. 

4.)My favorite food is guacamole, but I hate plain avocados. 

5.)My favorite word is conjunctivitis. 

6.)I did lots of drugs to try and lose weight. It didn't work. 

7.)Red Bull & Vodka is my drink of choice.

8.)I only need two to be drunk.

9.)I was born without toenails on my left foot. 

10.)I wish I could make flossing a habit. 

11.)I'm not sure that I've ever been in love, if it's love that I've been in, I've been in love like 14 times. 

12.)I'm afraid of serial killers. 

13.)My computer's name is Ermintrude.

14.)My vagina doesn't have a name.

15.)I am obsessed with Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn. Maybe that's why I've always been obsessed with being skinny.

16.)I've never been skinny.

17.)I want to be famous. 

18.)I don't know what I want to be famous for. 

19.)I want to have a baby, but I'm afraid that no one will ever marry me. 

20.)I don't put pictures of myself on the internet or facebook or anything because I am insecure about the way I look. 

21.)I paint the toenails on my right foot and my toes on my left. 

22.)I am hoping to move to New York City after I graduate. 

23.)I get obsessed with men who kiss me. I try not to, it's damaging. It hurts really badly. But I can't help it. 

24.)I still sleep with the same teddy bear that I have slept with since I was a baby.

25.)I never understood cheesecake. I love cheese, and cake too, but the two don't mix for me. I guess that I'm weird because most everyone goes crazy for the cheesecake factory. 

Soup, Orange Juice, Etc...

Oh my god. I'm sick again. I can't believe it. This semester I'm student teaching and those kids. Oh those kids, they are a sess pool of germs. Again, I kind of like being sick. It gives me time to do nothing. I don't study, I don't work, I don't go to class, I just sit in bed, watch Oprah, drink juice and be gleefully pathetic. The kittens are all cuddled up next to me. 

Weight wise, my loss has slowed down quite a bit. I haven't gone up, though I haven't gone down. My weight is stabilizing, though stabilizing at 40 pounds overweight. I started off doing the think and shrink program at 197 pounds and now I'm down to 160 pounds. That's about 37 pounds without trying.  I am a hair under 5 feet tall, so 120 pounds is not a low weight for me to aim for. In fact, it's fine. I think that the last 40 pounds might need a little extra muscle. A little push. Maybe some good old fashioned calorie counting. Though I'm nervous that I'll get into eating disorder mentality if I do that. Maybe just continue the mindful eating but work out a little more. I'm not sure how to go about it. One thing I know is that in the past, dieting hasn't worked. I lost almost 40 pounds without dieting. Maybe I just need to be more patient now. 

Hey George Bush, C-Ya, Wouldn't wanna B-Ya!

I must admit. I am a staunch liberal. I was a kid during the Clinton years. So the idea of having a democratic president seems really novel to me. I'm lucky. I'm not one of those liberals who has to fight with their parents. My folks went to Woodstock and brought us up on a steady diet of blue mule and first amendment sandwiches. (No wonder I was so overweight). Anyway, this Barack Obama thing has really made me happy. On a very simple note, I student teach in an inner city school where most of my students are very poor, very underprivileged, African American students. Having Barack Obama as the President (it now deserves a capital letter) gives new hope, new direction for people who previously believed that if they weren't born into privilege, they would be doomed to end up in the same position as their parents (don't we all feel like that). But now there's hope for those kids. He's no George Bush, he's no Kennedy. He didn't land this position because he's "American Royalty." And that's a beautiful thing. It reaffirms my faith in this country (which I never really had). Anyway, I think that it's a new start for out country and also for minority groups who were previously pigeonholed. I think that the Roger Bannister paradox will kick in here. I feel hopeful.
Besides the fact that he's smart and charismatic and compassionate and helpful to the country, I also think he's pretty dreamy.

kiss kiss

I love 2009. I'll admit it. Even though it's only 6 days into the new year, I'm still basking in the afterglow of a week long love fest. Not a summer fling but a holiday fling. On Christmas eve, after a carefully high proteined, low carbed meal with my mom and sister's family, I came back to my house to a tawdry night full of egg nog and my roommate's visiting brother. Jonathan. He and my roommate and her man had been sitting in front of the fireplace drinking eggnog and playing guitar hero and getting extremely silly. One thing led to another and, well... I had a Christmas miracle (I got laid!) and a New Years eve kiss. It was so nice. We basically spent the whole time he was here together. Snuggled up, kissing, building snowmen, shopping, throwing snowballs. I feel like I'm in love. He's in medica school in New York. I hope I see him again... sigh... anyway. I guess I'll see how it goes.