Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Finding Love

I know that loving myself is important. And I work at it. I do. I remind myself that I am a good human being and that I am caring and compassionate and intelligent and do good things in the world. However, I feel sad that I've not found love. I know intellectually that 26 years old isn't old and that I don't need to be married right now or have kids. But it would be so awesome to just have a partner in crime. Someone who totally supports me and can hold my hand when I cry, put me to bed when I've drank too much, make me chicken soup when I'm sick and come with me to parties when I just don't feel like going alone. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I guess I've never really felt like I deserved love. Like I've always thought that love was reserved for pretty skinny girls. When I finally did get my first boyfriend, he treated me like I was so lucky to be with him. And I felt like I was. I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. But I wasn't very lucky. He wasn't kind. He was critical. He kept on telling me that he expected more from me. That he needed me to be better. And I tried so hard. I spent a long time trying to do things to please him, like I cooked for him all the time, I tried to lose weight (starved myself then binged eated), I bought him presents and also drove him everywhere. He mostly insulted me and yelled at me. But I thought I was lucky. I wasn't lucky. Since then, there have been 2 others, one that lasted a month, and the other was about 2 months. But they're not real. Not like a real boyfriend-girlfriend thing. I want that.

1 comment:

A True Heart Girl in Jersey said...

It will come. Love yourself, reconstruct yourself, and it will come. I have been blessed to know love 3 times. It is an amazing fragile gift that does not always last, but always remains beautiful.